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Eleventh Christmas without Alex

Posted on by Nina E Boone

My Facebook memories come up every year that take me right back to what our experience felt like just as it was in real time. The unknown of what was to come makes me very sad for the person I was then. I still had hope that she would come back to us. The naïveté and denial proved to be a buffer from the harsh reality we were about to face.

In many ways, I am grateful I didn’t know, as I got more time with her. I sang to her; washed and braided her hair; read to her; listened to music with her; played One Tree Hill videos for her; painted her toe nails and fingernails; iced her to control her temperature; researched brain injuries; advocated for her zealously; prayer was also significant during this journey. I desperately wanted to find a way to save her..make them save her.

Her body went through so much as we tried and hoped for her to come back. Ultimately, this was part of the realization that it wasn’t in her best interest to continue with this routine so I could keep her here. The medical proof solidified the most loving thing we could do for her was to let her go.

Looking back, I question whether I made it too much about what I needed as her mother. I have learned that questioning past decisions and actions is just part of my experience and of many, many other grieving mothers.

Alexandra will always be my hero in life and death. I believe she was a true Angel and I pray she is back in Heaven with all the other Angels.
She was full of light and joy, who left her legacy of:
“Be the Best We Can Be”


Facebook post Eleven years ago:

Alex is having a better day today. The doctor switched her meds around, so I think it has made a difference. She doesn’t appear to be storming today. The are putting a Pic line in versus moving her central line again. Her nurse today used to work at Doernbeckers Childrens Hospital. It helps us to feel more at ease when the nurse that is assigned to her is caring and competent. Almost all of the nurses she has had have been great. I can’t say that about her nurse yesterday. I realize Alex’s case is very complex, but her Dad and I are very protective and want the very best care she can get. Alex’s stepmom has been very helpful with everything. I am very grateful for her as well. Haven’t talked to Landria for a couple of days. She is going to spend Christimas Eve and Christmas day with her boyfriend, dad and his family. She has to be back by 8PM each night. I think it will give them a clear picture with how ready she is to leave on Wed. I feel torn about not being there for her during this time. If the girls were in opposite positions, I would make the same choice to stay at the hospital. I talked to my Grandson, Rylan this morning. He is so cute! He is talking so well. He gave me smoochies over the phone. Hope baked some goodies to bring to the hospital and is doing some shopping for everyone. Eli is hanging out at his Dads’ for most of the day today.
I want to thank all my coworkers for the fund raiser they did to raise money to help with expenses due to my time off work. A special and huge thank you to Tencia and her family for making the food for the fund raiser. I also want to thank the people in the Dept. who put up the money for the supplies needed to make the food. I so appreciate the love and concern you have all displayed by doing this. Thank you Lisa and Tencia for coming to the hospital to deliver my Secret Santa gift and the proceeds from the fundraiser. I have so underestimated so many people in my life. This tragedy has opened my eyes to so many things. I appreciate so much the concern, prayers and support everyone from my bio. family, recovery family, work family, long time and short time friends. Merry Christmas to everyone. I pray next year we can have a huge celebration for us all to be with Alex. I know Landria and Rylan will be there..I just pray Alex will be too.

Alexandra Makenzie Malcomb

2/24/1994-1/31/2012

Angel Alex ❤️😇

How Could it Be Almost Nine Years

Posted on by Nina E Boone

I wrote this on my Facebook page as a response to the comments left on my profile photo of Alex. I switch my profile photo back to Alex, as I feel I’m not honoring her if I don’t.
Comment I moved to my blog:
I wish I could have a do- over with her. One of the many reasons is that she got ripped off a lot. The squeaky wheel took a lot of attention that she needed and deserved. I will always regret this. She told me this many times. I would try to make more special time for her. She was so forgiving and let me off the hook more than I deserved. I struggle with guilt and resentment toward my other daughters who caused so much drama and trauma in our family.

I try to focus on the special experiences we had the chance to do together, just the two of us. We took trips to Boston and Seattle together. She was an excellent driver as we drove through crazy traffic. I was so impressed! She was an awesome traveler through airports and trains on our adventures in Boston. She loved the North End, almost as much as me. I almost had her talked into moving there. 😀 I will treasure those memories for the remainder of my life. I am very blessed that I got to be her mom/mama’.

During the last nine years, there were many days I was incapacitated by grief. it It is unfathomable to me how we have lived this long without Alex in this world. I try to envision her life as if she didn’t die. I watch her friends graduate from college, get married and have children. I wish she could have experienced these things.

A previous boyfriend passed away in a car accident after Alex died. It has been so heartbreaking. I have envisioned Alex with him in Heaven, especially when he first died. I believed Alex would help welcome him to Heaven. Two forever young people, gone too soon. Often, I picture them checking in on the people who miss and grieve for them. I try to be the best I can be so when or if she checks, she isn’t disappointed in me. She has to be very busy up there checking on all her friends and family. I don’t know if this is how works, but it helps to cope with her absence.

Grieving mothers have a unique grief that can only be understood by other grieving mothers. Fathers and siblings have unique aspects of grief as well. As a grieving mother, I have not done a very job supporting my other three children who have all struggled so much. Sibling grief is often overlooked, as the parents are in shock and unable to recognize this until the fog starts to lift. By this time, it it is very apparent that each sibling has their own experience with learning how to live without their sister or brother. All of my other children struggle with a lot of pain and survivors guilt. My son has been the strong one, but it has taken a toll on him. I am trying to not put him the role of the one child I have who is doing okay our family. It has put a lot of pressure on him. He has his own grief, and feels in some ways, he has lost all of his sisters. I know Alex’s death has affected all of them in different ways. This is for a future blog post.

We have been raising two of our grandchildren for three years. This is not what we planned when we got married. Natalia (squeaky wheel), who is so much like her mom. My husband reminds me she is her own person. Let’s hope we can give Landon what he needs in spite of the similar dynamics. My family gives me the reason to engage in life, in spite of the grief and depression I struggle with. I do my best, even when it looks or feels like I’m failing. We all do in our ways. Loving a grieving mother takes a lot of patience and understanding. I am very grateful for my family and friends, even when I shut them out.

The holidays and what I call the grief season is coming up. The accident anniversary is December 5th, her death date is January 31 and her birthday is February 24th. The first two years it was like reliving what happened. Time and experience are really the only things that have helped with this. I know I will make it through this season and be able to show up for my family, who need me to be present. Alex gets a special gift every Christmas. Ron started this tradition, so he usually picks something to add to her collection. My favorite so far is her Mater Snow globe. She absolutely loved Cars, so we always get something for her when we go to Disneyland. I envision her with me on the Cars rollercoaster.
I really am blown away that it has been nine years since Alex was here with us. Thanksgiving was our last holiday with her. There are moments when I can’t breathe when I really grasp the amount of time that has passed without her..nine years! 😢💔

Child Bereavement, Grief, Grief after losing family/child, Uncategorized

Seven Years Later…

Gallery | Posted on by Nina E Boone

All the kids when they were little

My Four children Oldest-Landria 2nd-Alexandra, 3rd-Hope and the baby and only boy-Eli!

January 31, 2012, my second child, Alexandra passed away after being in a coma for eight weeks.

We all are grieving, it’s part of being human. Loss of children, grandchildren, parents, (best)friends, divorce, pets, jobs..the list goes on. I learned somewhere along the way that the pain softens, the sneaker waves don’t knock me off my feet as often, it’s possible to experience both grief and happiness at the same time. None of this felt possible for the first few years. I thought and hoped I would die after Alex died.

My surviving children have and continue to struggle with their grief.  Sibling grief is typically overlooked. In our family, this is absolutely true. I wasn’t aware this was happening for quite some time. I could write a book on what has happened with each one of them since Alex died. It has been heart wrenching, terrifying and exhausting to watch as their lives have unraveled.

Two of them are maintaining and working toward solutions. One of them is living on the streets with no end in sight, except death or jail. I cannot save her, but have certainly tried! I have done my best to be realistic and not catastrophize; although, losing  a child has made this near impossible. I wait for the call that I am all too familiar with. I just pray this blog won’t ever be about losing multiple children. It is possible, and I do not take it for granted that I will be spared from more loss.

SEVEN YEARS AGO, I wrote this:

I wish it was ten years from now. They say it takes eight years to feel joy again after losing a child. I don’t know if this is accurate, but I thought maybe a fast forward of ten years would give me a jump start. Talked to my Dad today, and he told me to go back to work, as he believes this will help. Maybe it will, but I am afraid I will not be able to focus or deal with being the way I need to be to be there. I don’t want people to pity me or treat me like I am somehow different. I will never be the same, but it is a terrible to feeling to feel like people can take one look at you and see that you might just fall apart at any time.

The thing that I like about my job is that I get out of myself, and try to be useful to others. That is the only way I know how to get through life when I am depressed, etc. without this going on. I suppose it probably is the same now..this still could work to walk through this with the same method of operation.

Eli and a family friend rented a chain saw to trim my trees.. Eli’s idea of course. I thought the whole tree was crashing into the house. Needless to say, the tree is still standing after I told him to I didn’t want a 16 foot hacked up tree. Eli is a handy fella, he just gets over zealous at times.

Hope and Landon are doing well. Landon is still kind of yellow from his Jaundice, but it is slowly changing. He has the most expressive little face when he sleeps..frowns, smiles, squints, opens his eyes (while sleeping)..he is very cute. So far, his eyes are a dark blue. It will be interesting to see what he looks like as he gets older. Hopes
newborn picture looks so much like him.

Landria and Rylan came by today. Rylan is constantly talking about how he is going to go to school. He talks so well, and is almost potty trained. I am grateful to have the boys, as they do lighten up the dark days. Rob sure enjoys Landon. He comes over almost everyday to hold him. I know he needs a little light in his life right now. Losing Alex has been a huge heartbreak for him, and I just pray that he remembers how much we all need him to be okay as he walks through this. I know that people need me to be okay as well even when I don’t feel okay, I still try to act as if..that is a very difficult thing to do day after day.

I do not know why some people can handle things differently than others. I am not saying I am handling this any better…I just don’t know why God has entrusted me with so much to handle during my lifetime. No self pity, just kinda wondering if this is it..today, it occurred to me that I have lost a mom and now a daughter to a car accident. I have been very careful not to go there through this whole thing. When Alex was in the hospital I didn’t not allow myself to think about that. Two completely different situations. There is no relief from Alex’s death. My mom was in pain for many years, and there was a sense of relief that God took her home. I don’t see it that way with Alex.
Of course it took me years to come to that with my mom. I had to work through my guilt over feeling that way though.

I have a friend who lost two kids eight years apart, so I do not think I have it any worse than others, just don’t want anymore. Life doesn’t give us those guarantees though. I guess life could always be harder, so when you are thinking how could it get any worse..don’t go there! It could.
Boy, I am just Negative Nancy tonight aren’t I ? Alex called me that…glass half empty gal. I could just hide in my room for the rest of my life. Maybe that is why people do that…
More later…

Fifth Anniversary of the Accident

Posted on by Nina E Boone

imageFive years ago was our last day with Alex before the accident. It was also a Sunday, which was a quiet lazy day. Alex played on the computer, while I took a nap, which is one of many regrets I carry with me. She came upstairs and laid her head in my lap, and asked me to pluck her eyebrows. I will always remember how she would make me stop after each hair,  and rub her eye as she said “ouch!” That day she was supposed to go to her Dads’ for school, but decided to stay the night and drive to school in the morning. We did not check the weather report that night or the next morning. We didn’t know how icy it was. If only they would taken my car; if only I would have driven; if only the school district would delayed school; if only her dad would have called to warn us about the ice; if only she would gone to her Dads’ when she originally planned; if only Landria would have driven slower; if only the lady in front of them would have put her flashers on so they would have seen her; if only I would have made different choices that led to her going to school in a different town. The list could gone on forever.
None of the what if’s and blame assignments I have given out will bring her back or change anything. The person I blame the most is myself, next would be her Dad. We were her parents, and we failed her in so many ways. He should have called her that morning, as he was up and out of the house before she ever left for school. This bit of blame is new for me. I came up this one a few months ago. He and I are not on good terms. We came together during her 8 weeks in the hospital, but it has been a struggle the last 4 years.

My daughter who was driving the car and I are estranged. She and I struggle with so many issues. I have my own limitations from before this happened. I have tried very hard to do better and be better since I became a mother. I have made many mistakes, but have never given up, even when I wanted to, which came only too often. I never thought I would survive the death of one of my children. I have often felt like I lost two children since the accident.

Forgiveness is so important, yet I am not sure I am ready. I really have this desire, as I know unforgiveness impairs the ability to heal. Perhaps, I feel it would be a betrayal to Alex, which I am sure is the case. I believe this is a thinking error that I cannot change at this point. Whether it is a choice or incapability, I’m not ready, not now.

This has been the most painful five years of my life, including the death of my mother at the age of 12.
Five years without Alexandra Makenzie, my Grace child, my binky girl, my love child, who loved and forgave, who tried to make peace, who took the backseat, even when should have been upfront and center, I will continue to trudge forward and be better and do better. I will do my best to carry her legacy forward, which is to love and do my best.

More Reflections

Posted on by Nina E Boone

Good morning. I am up way too early with the baby. Hope is having wisdom tooth issues, so I got up to take care of Landon. He is still coughing, so I am not sure it is just a virus. He really only coughs in the morning, so I don’t know…
I am still in shock that Alex is gone. I have been dreaming about her the last two nights. Last night I dreamed that she was on drugs and drinking, which is the farthest from the truth about her. Sorry Alex! I told her and the friend she was with that I was telling the other girls parents.. weird. This journey of accepting the reality of all that has happened is such a mind blower..I feel like I am living in a dream. I have always had such vivid dreams, and then upon awakening, would think wow, what was that all about. This feels like that..I even thought in my dream that I should be mad at her for wrecking her car last May that way she would still be here. Crazy, huh. I would never be mad her for something so petty. I picked up one of my books yesterday. I read that so many parents put priorities in life into perspective. Prior to their children’s death, they were unable to achieve what they felt was their potential because of lack of confidence, etc. After this experience so many of them felt they grew as individuals and no longer felt that life was so scary, as they already lived through the worst nightmare they could have imagined. I have pondered this very idea myself. I believe, further into this journey, I will hopefully have more of the courage to accomplish some of my goals that I have been too afraid of. I am grateful for the job I have..the people are wonderful, but I have a degree, and it is past time to utilize this. Alex used to question why I wasn’t recognizing my full potential, so I am hoping I can be like the parents in the book I was reading. I know the alternative is let this define me for the rest of my life..I believe it will define me in a certain way..maybe just not negatively. I will never be the same person as I was..I just Hope I can Honor Alex’s memory to be the best I can be. Right now, I am the best I can be with the grief I am experiencing. It is a process that I must respect and walk through. The alternative is have it come out sideways for the rest of my life. I would rather deal with it as it hits. I know what the consequences are if I don’t..I didn’t deal with my mom’s death for many years. I was a kid with no skills, and didn’t have adults in my life with the skills to walk through it in a healthy way. They had their own grief that they had no idea how to deal with. Now I understand more of what they experienced. I have more compassion for her parents and brothers. Loss of a loved one trickles down to the whole family/friends..she had cousins that her death affected as well. My step-dad was very affected by her death..the importance of his grief was overlooked by our whole family. I did learn more from her death than I realized. Nothing can prepare one for the next loss though, especially a child.
More later…

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Extra Hard Day

Posted on by Nina E Boone

It is hard to imagine that I feel worse than I have for awhile. I thought it was supposed to get easier with time, but that is not the case. I read a statement from the Insurance company, listing all her injuries. That really hit me hard. I already knew most of it, but seeing it in black and white really made it more real. I know all the Senior celebration activities are making me think of what Alex would be experiencing also. I do not know or understand why this had to happen to her. I will probably never know any of this. I have to remember that today is just an extra difficult day, and it will hopefully pass.
Landria is leaving tomorrow for good. I hope she finds the happiness that she is seeking. Eli has called a couple of times from Georgia. He is having a really good time. I know this was a much needed break for him. I have been invited out to do things, and I just don’t feel ready or have the desire to do anything right now. I did go to the library today. I talked to a friend who has lost two kids…she was very helpful. I have always had care and concern for her, but didn’t really get it. I can’t believe she has done as well as she has. I continue on my quest to find more pictures of Alex. Rob and Jeanne’ have many that I don’t have, so I am requesting copies of all of them.
I started reading my book again, but it really didn’t seem to help. I guess feelings are meant to be felt, not ignored or stuffed. I have never been very good at allowing myself to grieve..I would rather tackle everything head on, and get over or through it. I realize this isn’t something that I can do with my feelings over losing Alex. So many people say the first two years are just like this..I hope someday, I can use my experience to help others. It isn’t something I would wish on anyone. I struggle with writing when I feel this way, as I start to question my own judgement with putting this all out there.
Tomorrow it will be 14 weeks since Alex died. It seems like longer, but doesn’t “feel” like it.
Keep on, keepin’ on…

More doubts…

Posted on by Nina E Boone

So far, today is a difficult day, and I haven’t even made it out of my robe. Many dreams that left me really upset when I woke up. Did we make the right decision, where the doctors right? Being reminded of all the details by Rob helped me to remember why we let her go. I just want her back. I don’t know how other parents can do this. I know focusing on the other kids is a way to put the focus where it needs to be. I just am not sure I can get through this in one piece. I so wish grief would just go straight forward and not look back. I am sure this is the advice of well meaning people who care, and hate to see me suffer. I would do this if I could..not that simple or easy to do. It was brought to my attention that at least we don’t have the same circumstances as Brooke Wilburger’s parents..she was brutally murdered, and they didn’t find her for such a long time. This would be more difficult..maybe I should talk to her parents.
I must pull it together, and get ready to go to work. I don’t know how I can at this point. I will make an attempt to do my best.

March 6, 2012

Posted on by Nina E Boone

My first day back to work was better than I anticipated. I have a lot of paper work to catch up on. They did really well with organizing my piles so I could tell what needed to be done. I am so sad with moving forward..it seems like it means that I am leaving Alex behind. I know that people may think that I’m not, but it sure feels that way. I think that is why it is so natural to struggle with getting stuck in grief..it almost feels like that is the only thing that may keep the connection alive. I experienced this with my mom. I had to work really hard for several years in order to feel safe enough to let more of my grief evolve, and trust that I would still be connected to her without that pain. I also have had to not feel guilty about surviving longer in life and having a different type of life. I just don’t know how to quite make sense of the loss of Alex. There doesn’t seem to be anything good about it. Was she spared from something more horrific in her future than this? I don’t believe God orchestrated any of this. I believe He protected her and us through all of this. But I am not so sure I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe that is a saying people say to either make themselves feel better about an unacceptable situation or Hope that there is a reason somewhere out the fourth dimension to explain why these senseless, painful tragic thing happen to people. So many people loose their children..some loose more than one in a lifetime. I have read so many people’s stories about their children who have died. It is an unnatural phenomenon. It creates more heartbreak and uproots ones entire belief system, only to have to find some way to find a new belief system that makes sense in a new dimension that is almost unrecognizable. Who I am now is not the same..I do not see life or even God in the same way. I have some work to do with my feelings toward God. I am just so upset with him..I haven’t given up on Him, and I do believe He is taking care of Alex. I am just not entirely positive what He is doing with any of us, and wish he would have made it possible for her to stay with us and also be a semblance of who she was prior to the accident. I haven’t posted any pictures of the service until today. I was reluctant to do so..not sure how I feel about it now. I love finding new photos..thank you to everyone who finds pictures they have of Alex who send them to me or post them.
More later…

Uncategorized

March 4, 2012

Image | Posted on by Nina E Boone

Well, the weekend is coming to an end. I got out of the house for a bit today. Eli and did some yard work out in the sun, which was nice. I had company for the later part of the afternoon. A few friends and my cousins came over, as they are visiting from out of town. It was nice to visit and do a bit of crying, which I hate! I know that it is an important part of healing, but I am so afraid if Istart that I will never stop. It helps to talk about the last couple of months with people who don’t know the whole story, as I get a chance to process all that has happened. I have taken it for granted and underestimated the significance of what we have all been through. From the first discovery of the accident, to the ER, to the ICU, to regular floor for Landria, all her surgeries, rehab and more surgeries, to Alex’s Ventricular drain and brain pressure monitor being placed, her trachea surgery, being brought off the phentobarb, waiting to see if she would wake up, team meetings with doctors and nurses, process of trying to regulate the storming, CAT scans, MRI’s Mersa,
making decision about what to do, three Neurologists’ opinions and in the end death. Burial plans, service plans and the service itself. All the details in between those major points are so significant within themselves. The outcomes have been on two opposite ends of the spectrum. After sharing some of this with my cousin, it helps me to realize the powerful whirlwind of trauma and catastrophe we all really faced and continue to face. The effects of this have spilled over into so many people’s lives. So many of you, my FB friends have followed my posts through out this whole thing, and have continued to be supportive and encouraged me to keep posting..which is the only thing that seems to help me keep my feelings and thoughts from overpowering me to the point of being completely useless to anyone. I need to find a way to memorialize Alex, as I have been reading that this is what gives grief a positive way to channel and connect to the loved one who is gone. Finding a purpose to attach to so there is living breathing part of Alex that will live on in me is what I hope to find. I am so early in this process, and I know I cannot fast forward through any of it..I would really like to though. Thank you to my friends who are on my FB (and not) and my family members who have been so loving and supportive..even when I want to hide under my bed.
More later…