Fundraising Memorial in Honor of Alex

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I appreciate all the hard work people put into the fundraising event in memory of Alex. There was a lot of time, energy and money contributed this by many people. It was difficult for me to be there, only because it was one more way of making this hit home…this was going on to raise money for a scholarship in memory of my daughter, who is Heaven now, and she will not graduate with her class, or go to college or have a family of her own. So many things run through my mind in an instant when the grief hits. It is amazing how a person can have so many emotions and thoughts at the same time. 
I felt the love during this event..love for Alex..people really care about what happened to her, and were honoring her in a way that can hopefully live on. Thank you to all of you! Even though it was difficult for her family to attend or participate, it means a lot to us that this group of people were willing to work so hard to honor Alex. She certainly deserved it. I thank the people in the community, and the individual people, who contributed raffle prizes and donations for the event as well. I have never met such an incredible young woman, and the world is a lesser place because of her death
Making progress with not blaming God..still haven’t reconciled what I believe, versus the beliefs I had prior to this happening. It is a process, and a time of searching and seeking, which is okay to some degree, as it gives me a type of direction, instead of just being so engulfed in the pain that comes with this type of loss. Some days it is more difficult than others to focus on this part of the journey..I just take it as it comes. I try to pick up my book and study it so I learn, even if I can only manage to find one morsel of new information to try to piece together a new belief system and understanding of how the world works on a Spiritual basis…I accept that. 
I really enjoyed spending time with some of my closest friends at the event. We sat in the basement discussing some of what I have been learning, and some of what they have experienced. I have to be careful not to try to push what I am learning on to other people. Discussing what I am finding helps me to process, and figure out whether I can really adapt any of it into my new belief system or not…
Eli got to get up on stage and sing/scream with one of the bands. I know he really enjoyed it, even though he can’t hear very well today. Hope was able to attend, as we traded off, and I brought Landon home. Rob was there for a bit, and Landria is on her way back from Vegas, so she was not there. Thank you again to everyone. 
More later… Continue reading

Reconciling the Decision We Made

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Today it has been 9 weeks since Alex passed away. It feels like it just happened. I continue to put one foot in front of the other, as what choice do I have? I don’t even know what to post anymore, and this is sad because it has been such a useful tool for me to cope with the grief. I try to remember all the happy times with her, and post as many pictures that I can find to remember her…I feel I need to do more than this, as it not sustaining me anymore. To feel a disconnection with God is very difficult, as I have relied so heavily on this relationship for such a long time. I do not blame God for what happened to the girls, but I guess it is hard for me to trust Him now. We prayed and prayed for a Miracle..the Miracle we wanted and this didn’t happen. I knew this was a possibility, yet I was so desperate, I was willing to take this chance. I am sure I just need to work this out with God, and trust that He knew what he was doing. Or, maybe it wasn’t Him at all, after all, we made the decision to take her off life support..this creates problems for me, as I have a lot of guilt..like I gave up on her. The entire team of doctors told us we made the right decision, but I will forever wish she was here..selfish? Probably, as now she is free, without having to suffer.
Off to work to pretend all is okay in the world.
More later…