Tonight I had the realization that Alex was gone at the scene of the accident. I was reading about the different parts of her brain that were injured. I did this after hearing about another woman in a coma from being hit by a drunk driver. When I hear about other people going through this experience, I relive what we went through with Alex and my other daughter, Landria. I have been in a lot of denial about the extent of Alex’s brain injuries. Diffuse Axonal brain injury. Her mid brain was completely gone. Her Reticular Activating system had holes of dead areas through out, her pituitary gland did not function, her Basal Ganglia was damaged, she had damage to the of optic nerve pathway to her left eye. I know there was more, but that is what I remember. When brain cells die, they do not regenerate. I did not know this. When they first told us this, I thought I would die. I ran out of the meeting and locked myself in the bathroom. I could not handle hearing she was not going to come out of this. She would never walk again, she would never feed herself or be free of some kind of life support and she would never wake up..she would be in a persistent vegetative state.
After my sudden departure from the meeting, I took a deep breath, and told myself, I had to go back to the meeting for Alex. I had to keep fighting for her. This is when Neurology got involved. Her Trauma Surgeon kept them at bay to give us time to be ready for what I believe he already believed would be the outcome. In the meantime, I asked that he consult with Doernbechers Children’s Hospital in Portland, a hospital in Chicago and the East Coast. Three Neurology opinions later, besides the consults, we took her off life support. I am shattered right now. Reliving and having the denial lifted is horrible. Denial protects us at times.
This post is disturbing and hard to write, so I’m sure hard to read.
More later..hopefully not so dark.
Thank you to Necole Stevens for this beautiful image/poem
This poems describes how I feel and think. Life is unpredictable for sure. How do we handle success and or tragedy? Do we let it cause defeat or boast about much better we are than those not succeeding by our standards? Maybe we just do the best we can to deal with however life unfolds. I have always been a survivor. I have overcome many hardships from the time I was a little girl. Not eliciting pity, just part of of my story. I have been called tenacious, which I take as a compliment. God made me the way he knew I needed to be in order to walk through what he knew would come. I have struggled with anger and self pity because of these things, especially losing Alex. I thought for sure I would be spared from a tragedy like this as an adult. After all, I experienced enough with my mother before and after her death.
Do I trust I am done experiencing tragedy and pain? No, I really don’t. I think that is why this post from one my fave pages on FB spoke to me. I struggle with believing I will rise above my circumstances so I can live the life I’ve always dreamed of. I want to use my education, travel, not live in survival mode.
My grief, depression and self loathing gets in my way with living the life I have always hoped for. I have been told by someone who tried to help me after Alex died, that I have believed most of life that I am inherently flawed. This has been a vicious cycle. My subconscious has been there hindering my every move. The solution to all of this? Healing Spiritually is a big piece of the solution I know that much. I will continue writing, being tenacious, and yes, struggling to find my connection with God again. It is happening very slowly. I talk to Alex like I used to talk to God. So that tells me I am still seeking a spiritual connection, a connection to my Angel daughter, who I miss and love so very much.
As I follow the young man in Good Sam. ICU, I have flash backs. He is having his trach and feeding tube put in tomorrow. When you had that surgery, I didn’t realize it was because it was because they predicted you were not going to wake up anytime soon if at all. I know they don’t know that either. They don’t know all the agitation can mean. I am reading between the lines. I am also staying away and keeping my mouth shut. At first, I was a bit crazed to find a way to help. The fund raiser has been productive. Someone put an ad in the paper. I wish there would have been an article asking for prayer, letting people know what happened to you, Landria and Rylan. Not for money, for validation.. I want everyone to know. Is this selfish, unusual? I think I want to carry your memory, I didn’t want you to be forgotten. I want people to know the burden Landria carries and how broken she is. I haven’t done very well with that. I have been upset, mad and unforgiving.
I am also mad at the lady who was in front of you driving 20-25mph in the fog without flashers. I think it is disgusting she was gossiping about the speed Landria during to pass her, when it was to plow into her.the first thing she said to her dad as she was very out of from all the drugs was why were they stopped? She thought that car was stopped, she was not passing, just to pass her.
I will finish this entry tomorrow. I decided to end this entry where I left off.
A question was presented to me a few months ago…would it have been better for Alex and her family/friends to have lost her at the time of the accident or the way we did. I personally feel that I am glad we got two more months with her. I know that is probably selfish on my part. There many things that are more difficult about this. I still have flash backs of all she went through and how it felt to watch and feel so utterly helpless and powerless. I also remember the Hope we felt and the research I did and the writing, trying to find anything we could to save our girl. I was and am still so angry and disappointed that no amount of money or amount of prayer could fix her. And we had to make the decision to keep her alive in a vegetative state or let her go be with God. I Think either way it was spun, we were effed. This young girl who was killed in a car accident last night, almost a year after Alex and Landria’s accident, brought a lot of these questions back up for me..not that they ever been answered. I lost my mom suddenly, with no time to say good-bye and felt a huge shock that I still struggle with. I think about this girls’ parents, and how they did not have any warning or time to say good-bye. It makes me so mad! Why do so many people go through this. All I can say is make sure you hug your kids and tell them you love them. When times are hard, think of the parents who would take that hardship in a minute versus never having anything, good or bad, with their child again. Yes I realize there have been a lot of depressing posts from me about death and accidents, etc. since this all happened. I just hope if they bother anyone they will just delete me as a friend. Totally better than me wondering why you don’t talk to me anymore or give me a look of pity. This may make people feel more removed from this happening to them,, like it is contagious, but it won’t. I am just a mom with a broken heart trying to find a way to survive. FB is an unconventional place to do this, but it has worked to a certain point for me. I don’t know the answers, I just know I am sick and tired of the pain, my kids’ pain, and to know I can’t really help anyone who has lost a child. The only thing that will make it okay is to give their child back…
My life reminds me of how I experienced being in labor with the kids, and changing my mind..such a powerless feeling, as there was no going back!. I knew then that only way through to the other side of the pain was to do my best and focus to get through it. At least there was a baby at the end of it to meet for the first time to love and adore. This kind of pain doesn’t have that kind of incentive, as Alex will not be coming back. I try to look at the positive aspects of trudging through this. Spiritual enlightenment, finding a way to honor Alex that she deserves, watching my other kids grow up and become the people God intends them to be, watching my Grandkids do the same, always do my best to support all of them when they need me, and become the human being that God intended for me to be so when I do meet up Alex again, I will have something for her and not just misery from her death. I worry so much about her new existence and whether she is okay or if she really is in a new dimension and not just gone. My Faith has never been so tested in my life, and it has never been so important for me to have Faith..kind of paradox of some sort. Wishing things were not this way is not working. No matter how much I pray or wish Alex was still here, she just isn’t and isn’t going to be. When my kids cry because they have the same feelings and struggles with missing her, all I can do is hug them and say I am so sorry. I know there is nothing anyone can do to take this pain or loss from us. Listening and being there is enough. Many people have a hard time hanging in there for this journey we are on. Going to work has been a blessing, as it motivates me to do my girly thing, and try to be useful for other people. My coworkers are a great bunch of people, and I am so fortunate to work where I work.
I haven’t been writing as must, as I just get weary of worrying about whether my posts are too depressing or too open. I have tried the Blog thing, but it is so much more comfortable to me to do it this way. I don’t really know what I am doing with the blog, so not a lot of people read it anyway.
My stepdad responded to post I wrote in the Rememer Alex Malcomb page, and I hope he doesn’t mind that I include it in this post.
“..I’m pretty sure in her dimension (I like that), she has been blessed without any needs, but gifts to those who loved her most. As you, she is there is there to take care of you & Rob & everyone that loved & cared for her. In my opinion she is the conduit to your higher power. She has more insight to needs. Of course u know she would what the people that brought her to earth for a very important reason. Maybe it’s tough to see clearly what the larger message of her purpose. Maybe her blessing is to look over u, allow & want ur happiness. Individually & the compounded affect of your happiness will snowball to others. You think that would be a gift that would keep on giving? Warm Alex’s heart? I think in her heavenly space, she is anxious to share the gifts with her loved ones, that she has been blessed with. Sometimes when ur feeling your worse, just may be a message, that you haven’t been able to grasp. I think it’s turn to be the caregiver for you. As in her place she no longer needs anything from loves ones. She wants you to be fulfilled with her spirit she has been blessed with to give to u the greatest gift that she can give, that would warm her the most. Grieving is important. While doing so, as grieving is all consuming, maybe u can let her get a word in about what she would want for her…”
I love what he wrote. I have a hard time tapping into anything like this these days, so it really helps me when people give me this kind of spiritual perspective or food, so to speak. He went through similar things when my mom died, and that kind of bond is rare to have..I am so grateful for him in my life.
As the holidays and anniversary of the accident draw near, I cringe and want to hide under my bed for a very long time. I wish we could just go to Mexico or somewhere completely different. I always planned on taking Alex to Mexico.. 😥 See, how all thoughts and ideas bring me right back to her. I have read that this typical of a grieving parent.
- This Grieving Mother’s Blog Touched My Heart, It Will Touch Yours… (grannyscolorful.wordpress.com)
- Grieving and the Holidays (psychologytoday.com)