Another Step in the Grief Process

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Happy Spring! Not! I can’t believe the snow. Just packed up the rest of Alex’s clothes. Made me so sad. All the memories of her wearing them, and the thought process that goes with the that she doesn’t need them any longer. This makes her being gone feel so much more real. Seeing that a few of her favorite shirts are gone, like her Boston shirt that we got last time we went..makes me wonder where they are. It isn’t the clothes themselves..it is that they were Alexs’. I suppose I have bigger fish to fry than worrying about it. I plan on asking her two best friends to take what they want..she was so tiny that they won’t fit any of us here..Eli probably wouldn’t wear them either. 🙂 I know this is just part of the process, but it sure feels awful.
I got to babysit Rylan today while Hopee went to work. It was a pleasure. He is such an easy baby. He is sure looking around at everything now. He hates having his clothes or diaper changed..that is when he really cries..the rest of the time he just kind of squeaks. He is eating so much more than he was at first. He and Hopee are going to Seattle for a few days to see my stepdad and his wife, Tia. Jenny, Tia’s daughter is coming to get her tomorrow..hope the weather is okay for her to drive down here. I am very grateful to have all of them in our lives. They have been so supportive, loving and helpful through all of this.
Landria made it to Vegas..they rented a house, so I guess she is really moving there. I hope she likes it there. The house is about 15 miles outside of the city, so that makes me feel better about it.
My first counseling appointment since Alex died went okay. I hate going, as it is so painful. I have learned through other work I have done that only way to get to the other side of something is to walk through it. There are no shortcuts or diversions if I want to get through this time in a healthy manner. I am not saying I wouldn’t like either of those things..I would! It only prolongs the inevitable though. My therapist did say that I can only feel so much at one time though, so walking around like a zombie is okay as much as I need to. He also said that I am moving forward..so that made me feel like at least I am not stuck in this process.
Hope everyone drives safely out there. I am afraid to drive, more so because of what happened to the girls, as it was foggy and icy when it happened. I lived in Alaska for a year, so I know how to drive in it, but not a lot of people here seem very experienced with these conditions..rightly so, we don’t get this kind of weather very often. Be careful if you have to drive anywhere!
More later…

March 6, 2012

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My first day back to work was better than I anticipated. I have a lot of paper work to catch up on. They did really well with organizing my piles so I could tell what needed to be done. I am so sad with moving forward..it seems like it means that I am leaving Alex behind. I know that people may think that I’m not, but it sure feels that way. I think that is why it is so natural to struggle with getting stuck in grief..it almost feels like that is the only thing that may keep the connection alive. I experienced this with my mom. I had to work really hard for several years in order to feel safe enough to let more of my grief evolve, and trust that I would still be connected to her without that pain. I also have had to not feel guilty about surviving longer in life and having a different type of life. I just don’t know how to quite make sense of the loss of Alex. There doesn’t seem to be anything good about it. Was she spared from something more horrific in her future than this? I don’t believe God orchestrated any of this. I believe He protected her and us through all of this. But I am not so sure I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe that is a saying people say to either make themselves feel better about an unacceptable situation or Hope that there is a reason somewhere out the fourth dimension to explain why these senseless, painful tragic thing happen to people. So many people loose their children..some loose more than one in a lifetime. I have read so many people’s stories about their children who have died. It is an unnatural phenomenon. It creates more heartbreak and uproots ones entire belief system, only to have to find some way to find a new belief system that makes sense in a new dimension that is almost unrecognizable. Who I am now is not the same..I do not see life or even God in the same way. I have some work to do with my feelings toward God. I am just so upset with him..I haven’t given up on Him, and I do believe He is taking care of Alex. I am just not entirely positive what He is doing with any of us, and wish he would have made it possible for her to stay with us and also be a semblance of who she was prior to the accident. I haven’t posted any pictures of the service until today. I was reluctant to do so..not sure how I feel about it now. I love finding new photos..thank you to everyone who finds pictures they have of Alex who send them to me or post them.
More later…