Third Anniversary of ‘The Accident’

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Landria and Alex

Landria and Alex

Tomorrow will be three years since my two daughters and grandson were in a horrible car accident. This accident left my two daughters severely injured and my grandson with minor injuries. My youngest daughter died two months later and my older daughter had a total of 8 surgeries, with life long injuries, both physical and psychological. Denial has been our friend at times. If it weren’t for that, we never would have survived this long. At times, I have wanted to penetrate those around me who have appeared to not be as affected. Then I have to realize, usually with the help of a friend, that what appears to be not caring is really just people coping the best way they can. As Alex’s mother, of course I am going to grieve and mourn more intensely than most, except her father. I know he suffers as I do. We are not able to walk through this together at this point. I have felt angry and upset that her friends have just moved on without remembering her. They don’t see us, read or post on  her Facebook or her page I made to remember her. I forget that this doesn’t mean they don’t remember or grieve for her. What I fail to recognize at times, is that I am just so very mad, sad at sickened that my beautiful Alex is gone, no babies, no marriage, no college..the list goes on and on. I can really fall into being an angry, bitter person. I do not want to stay there though, and it usually don’t. I want to get better, I want to heal enough to pass on her legacy, which is love and forgiveness. She was much better at this, so I will try to remember to ask for direction. My Spiritual health has still not recovered from losing Alex. I have committed to going to Compassionate Friends on a regular basis. My journey isn’t over yet, and there are days when this is very difficult to say the least.

Forgiveness and Faith

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Our first Easter was an emotional day. We managed to make a nice meal. I even made homemade apple pies. If it weren’t for Hope, that is the extent of what we would have had. I Spent most of the day watching Hallmark movies that seemed to have a common theme. Forgiveness and having Faith in God after losing either a child or a spouse. Of course they made me cry and feel more than I wanted to. The messages were hopeful, and even though they were just movies, I needed to hear the messages. Anger is a part of grief, but unforgiveness only shuts me off from healing. I have to believe that God didn’t do this, and he didn’t choose to not heal Alex in the way we wanted..the book I am reading talks about how life can have random things happen. People want to put tragic things that happen in a package that includes either a lesson we need to learn or a larger plan. The Rabbi, who is the author of When Bad Things Happen to Bad People, speaks to how insulting this is to the bereaved..he doesn’t believe God allows tragedy to occur to teach us a lesson. This would mean he is vengeful God, and that if we have made mistakes or lacking in something that he allows this to happen for us to learn something. This makes the non-beareaved feel better about the world..that it isn’t just random. People talk about Random Acts of Kindness….well, according to this author, tragedy can occur like this too. I am not stating that I believe this is truth, just exploring and processing the ideas that I read about. I don’t believe that any of us do something that justifies our loved ones to suffer for the sake of a lesson taught or a higher plan. I did believe some of this prior to the accident. Now I have to reconstruct my believes and truth based on my new reality. I know for a fact that Alex did not deserve to suffer or have her life cut short. I truly hope she is at peace now..it is the rest of us who are left behind to experience our loss of our beautiful, loving Alex.
I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter.

Alex’s 18th Birthday

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We made it through Alex’s birthday okay. My friend Jet suggested we take ballons to one of Alex’s fav. spots and release them for her. We went to Mary’s River and wished her a Happy Birthday. It was sad, but I felt it was a way to honor her turning 18. I never did hang out with her there, as she usually escaped the heat there when she was with her Dad. Since we have a pool, that is where we hung out during the Summer months. I am not even going to think about how that will be without her. I wish I wouldn’t have postponed our trip to Boston..we wouldn’t have been around for her to be traveling to school that morning. I know it doesn’t accomplish anything by wishing the past events would have been different to avoid what happened. I do believe that is not out of the ordinary when tragic things happen. I avoid driving down that road as much as I can. I have stopped when this first happened to examine the spot where they crashed..it gave me an eerie feeling, so I choose to stay away from it. Rob and Jeanne’ have to travel that road frequently, and I am sure it is difficult for them. I stopped over at their place yesterday so Hope could change Landon, etc. It was good to see Jeanne’ and the girls..I went from seeing most of them everyday to not at all. I wonder if being connected during such a difficult time brings all of that back for most people. It certainly can create a type of bond that is difficult to explain or describe. I am very grateful that Rob, Jeanne’ and I worked so well together to ensure Alex was receiving the best care humanly and Spiritually possible. I am not sure if I have shared that Alex was Baptized prior to her passing. It was a powerful experience, and I am so grateful that this took place. She was dedicated as a baby, but had not made the decision to be Baptized as a young adult. So many things she had not discovered for herself yet. I believe she is having the chance to discover so many things that we don’t even have the capability to do on Earth. This does bring some comfort, as I still have such a strong connection to her as her mother. She believed I was over protective..I probably was..I seemed to have a hard time allowing my kids to grow up, and trust that they could make it though their own life lessons. I know I am done yet! With Hope being a teen mom, there are many lessons yet to come. I have to continue to allow her to be the mom, and trust that she has good instincts. With having four kids, it is difficult for me to keep my mouth shut. Fortunately, the things I need to be quiet about are minor, or I would have to speak up. There is a fine line to draw in this situation. Being a grandparent is a joyful experience, but it also can cause a lot of worry..
Eli is about to start Track, and I think it will be a good distraction for all of us. He is here for the weekend, and I am so happy about this. I have missed him so much. I know he needs me right now, as he is so sad about Alex. We all are..Landria is doing okay physically. I know there is a long road for her with all the other aspects of this situation, and the changes and limitations she has from her injuries. I have to say though, she has healed miraculously. Such mixed emotions all over the board with all of this. I just wish so much that everyone would have survived this tragic moment. I don’t think losing someone suddenly or over a prolonged period make it easier either way. I haven’t had any kind of meaningful conversation since Dec. 4, so I guess some may have the perspective that we lost her on Dec. 5. Does it matter? I guess that is a Subjective answer, as everyone has experienced this internally, a bit differently. Those differences combined are why we all worked together to do what was best..we held each other up when each of us wavered in strength. I appreciate all the people, who have strong Spiritual Health that showed up to encourage us in that way. I have never prayed or been closer to God in my entire life. I must get back to that, and not blame God for not healing Alex the way I wanted Him to. He can handle this though, and I know He understands this. He gave all of us the strength to endure the process of losing her. Some of this is lip service, but it has to have a beginning, and I believe saying it out loud can start the process of reconnecting with God. I was concerned about this prior to her passing, that I would turn my back on God, the very entity that gave me the strength to survive the whole process of all the girls going though various types and degrees of medical crises. Well, this is turning into a book so…
More later…