Forgiveness and Faith

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Our first Easter was an emotional day. We managed to make a nice meal. I even made homemade apple pies. If it weren’t for Hope, that is the extent of what we would have had. I Spent most of the day watching Hallmark movies that seemed to have a common theme. Forgiveness and having Faith in God after losing either a child or a spouse. Of course they made me cry and feel more than I wanted to. The messages were hopeful, and even though they were just movies, I needed to hear the messages. Anger is a part of grief, but unforgiveness only shuts me off from healing. I have to believe that God didn’t do this, and he didn’t choose to not heal Alex in the way we wanted..the book I am reading talks about how life can have random things happen. People want to put tragic things that happen in a package that includes either a lesson we need to learn or a larger plan. The Rabbi, who is the author of When Bad Things Happen to Bad People, speaks to how insulting this is to the bereaved..he doesn’t believe God allows tragedy to occur to teach us a lesson. This would mean he is vengeful God, and that if we have made mistakes or lacking in something that he allows this to happen for us to learn something. This makes the non-beareaved feel better about the world..that it isn’t just random. People talk about Random Acts of Kindness….well, according to this author, tragedy can occur like this too. I am not stating that I believe this is truth, just exploring and processing the ideas that I read about. I don’t believe that any of us do something that justifies our loved ones to suffer for the sake of a lesson taught or a higher plan. I did believe some of this prior to the accident. Now I have to reconstruct my believes and truth based on my new reality. I know for a fact that Alex did not deserve to suffer or have her life cut short. I truly hope she is at peace now..it is the rest of us who are left behind to experience our loss of our beautiful, loving Alex.
I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter.

Weekend of grief, pain and friendship

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What a weekend…my friend Michelle stayed with me all weekend. We watched funny movies, talked until we were blue in the face, went out to lunch and cried as we talked about Alex. Oh, and we did a photo shoot with Landon. Hope was very generous with him, and let him hang out with us quite a bit. It was helpful to talk about all my thoughts and feeling about the accident, the hospitalization and how much I miss her, etc. I usually don’t talk very much about all of it, as it is so difficult to experience the pain that comes with doing that. I know it is an important part of healing, as it needs to come out, and not just stay stuffed inside. I am very grateful for the time we had this weekend. Thank you to her family for sharing, as I know they missed her this weekend.
Eli headed back to Philomath with his Dad, so it is just Hope, Landon and I.   I always miss him when he goes to his Dads.
On Mar. 24, I will have 21 years in recovery..it doesn’t seem to mean as much without Alex here. She always made my cake and was sure  there when I would get my chip. I raised her going to mtgs., and she was wise beyond her years partly because of this. All of my kids are…I will make  my cake, and I feel good about that. It doesn’t seem right to have anyone else make it, etc.
More later…

More Pain, Another Day…

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Time is of the essence…I know this is the only thing that will help us to adjust to life without Alex. Each day is so different..at times, it is overwhelming, and can’t escape the plaguing thoughts and feelings about our tremendous loss. I am feeling like all I do is say the same things over and over again. I don’t know if and when this will ever be something her Dad, brother and sisters and friends can ever accept..I doubt it. I know we are only a little over 7 weeks into this since she died, but it seems like an eternity. This is not the way life was supposed to be. I used to complain and feel sorry for myself because of the difficulties I have experienced from being a single parent for so long. I want to take all of that back. I wouldn’t trade any of those struggles for the world. Alex brought a lot of love and joy to my life from the time she was born. She took her time getting here, as she was two weeks overdue. Landria got chicken pox right around Alex’s due date, so it was a good thing that she was overdue. I had a hard time with postpartum depression after she was born, but it was never because of Alex. I loved her so much from the time she was born. When she would look up at me as I nursed her, she had so much love and light that poured out of her from her beautiful eyes. She slept with Rob and I until she was a toddler, as she wanted to be close..good thing Hope was the opposite and hated to be snuggled close after being fed. So funny how children can be so different when they come from the same parents. They each bring something different to the world, and that is part of why it is difficult to accept she is gone. She brought so much reason, love and spirit to our family. I miss her interactions with her friends and family. Watching her grow up into the young woman that she became was a true blessing. I do feel robbed of being able to watch her continue her journey into adult hood. She wanted to be a mom..although, she had a more realistic view of what this all entailed, so she wasn’t in any hurry. I know she would have done great things in her life if her life wouldn’t have been cut short. My hope is that she is still doing great things, even if it isn’t here on Earth. I want to believe that she an Angel, doing God’s work. I imagine that she visiting regularly with all our family who preceded her in death. I have some of the most wonderful memories with both sets of my grandparents, Great Aunts and Great Uncles and my mom. I pray that she is receiving that love from all of them, and comforting her if she needs it. I am sure that we are the ones who need comforting, as she most likely at peace and no longer suffering the way she did in her last couple of months here.
Thank you for being so patient with me as I process all of this on such public forum. I am starting to feel like perhaps I need to stop doing this..I know it has helped me tremendously throughout this journey, but I certainly do not want to continuously bum people out on a daily basis. I would completely understand if any of you would like to hide my stuff from your page. Not that you need me to tell you this..
Landon is not adjusting to formula at all. I feel bad for the little fellow. He is getting bigger..he has breast milk jaundice, so they wanted her to take him off for a couple of days.
Rylan is going to North Dakota for a month to be with his Dad. Landria is planning to move to Las Vegas. Life is ever changing.
Eli is not enjoying track..he keeps hurting himself, and I think it is harder on the body than swimming. I remember having shin splints every season.
I am having a difficult time going to work, as I am just so sad…I hate trying to act as if..it takes a lot of energy, but I am doing it anyway..at least to the best of my ability. I am getting caught up..will take a while, but I have been doing my job for almost 4 years, so it comes naturally. I hope everyone has a good blustery day. It is March, but it still seems like Winter.
One of my best friends is coming to stay the night this weekend. We went to beauty school together..we used to have so much fun together. We went to Mexico with my grandma and her friend…we drove them crazy. 🙂 She and I have reconnected through all of this, and it has helped, as she is a positive person, who I have a lot of history with. Thank you Michelle! I am also grateful for all my friends who have been here through thick and thin for the last several years. It has been quite a journey..one never knows what is around the corner.
More later…

March 6, 2012

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My first day back to work was better than I anticipated. I have a lot of paper work to catch up on. They did really well with organizing my piles so I could tell what needed to be done. I am so sad with moving forward..it seems like it means that I am leaving Alex behind. I know that people may think that I’m not, but it sure feels that way. I think that is why it is so natural to struggle with getting stuck in grief..it almost feels like that is the only thing that may keep the connection alive. I experienced this with my mom. I had to work really hard for several years in order to feel safe enough to let more of my grief evolve, and trust that I would still be connected to her without that pain. I also have had to not feel guilty about surviving longer in life and having a different type of life. I just don’t know how to quite make sense of the loss of Alex. There doesn’t seem to be anything good about it. Was she spared from something more horrific in her future than this? I don’t believe God orchestrated any of this. I believe He protected her and us through all of this. But I am not so sure I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe that is a saying people say to either make themselves feel better about an unacceptable situation or Hope that there is a reason somewhere out the fourth dimension to explain why these senseless, painful tragic thing happen to people. So many people loose their children..some loose more than one in a lifetime. I have read so many people’s stories about their children who have died. It is an unnatural phenomenon. It creates more heartbreak and uproots ones entire belief system, only to have to find some way to find a new belief system that makes sense in a new dimension that is almost unrecognizable. Who I am now is not the same..I do not see life or even God in the same way. I have some work to do with my feelings toward God. I am just so upset with him..I haven’t given up on Him, and I do believe He is taking care of Alex. I am just not entirely positive what He is doing with any of us, and wish he would have made it possible for her to stay with us and also be a semblance of who she was prior to the accident. I haven’t posted any pictures of the service until today. I was reluctant to do so..not sure how I feel about it now. I love finding new photos..thank you to everyone who finds pictures they have of Alex who send them to me or post them.
More later…

Alex’s 18th Birthday

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We made it through Alex’s birthday okay. My friend Jet suggested we take ballons to one of Alex’s fav. spots and release them for her. We went to Mary’s River and wished her a Happy Birthday. It was sad, but I felt it was a way to honor her turning 18. I never did hang out with her there, as she usually escaped the heat there when she was with her Dad. Since we have a pool, that is where we hung out during the Summer months. I am not even going to think about how that will be without her. I wish I wouldn’t have postponed our trip to Boston..we wouldn’t have been around for her to be traveling to school that morning. I know it doesn’t accomplish anything by wishing the past events would have been different to avoid what happened. I do believe that is not out of the ordinary when tragic things happen. I avoid driving down that road as much as I can. I have stopped when this first happened to examine the spot where they crashed..it gave me an eerie feeling, so I choose to stay away from it. Rob and Jeanne’ have to travel that road frequently, and I am sure it is difficult for them. I stopped over at their place yesterday so Hope could change Landon, etc. It was good to see Jeanne’ and the girls..I went from seeing most of them everyday to not at all. I wonder if being connected during such a difficult time brings all of that back for most people. It certainly can create a type of bond that is difficult to explain or describe. I am very grateful that Rob, Jeanne’ and I worked so well together to ensure Alex was receiving the best care humanly and Spiritually possible. I am not sure if I have shared that Alex was Baptized prior to her passing. It was a powerful experience, and I am so grateful that this took place. She was dedicated as a baby, but had not made the decision to be Baptized as a young adult. So many things she had not discovered for herself yet. I believe she is having the chance to discover so many things that we don’t even have the capability to do on Earth. This does bring some comfort, as I still have such a strong connection to her as her mother. She believed I was over protective..I probably was..I seemed to have a hard time allowing my kids to grow up, and trust that they could make it though their own life lessons. I know I am done yet! With Hope being a teen mom, there are many lessons yet to come. I have to continue to allow her to be the mom, and trust that she has good instincts. With having four kids, it is difficult for me to keep my mouth shut. Fortunately, the things I need to be quiet about are minor, or I would have to speak up. There is a fine line to draw in this situation. Being a grandparent is a joyful experience, but it also can cause a lot of worry..
Eli is about to start Track, and I think it will be a good distraction for all of us. He is here for the weekend, and I am so happy about this. I have missed him so much. I know he needs me right now, as he is so sad about Alex. We all are..Landria is doing okay physically. I know there is a long road for her with all the other aspects of this situation, and the changes and limitations she has from her injuries. I have to say though, she has healed miraculously. Such mixed emotions all over the board with all of this. I just wish so much that everyone would have survived this tragic moment. I don’t think losing someone suddenly or over a prolonged period make it easier either way. I haven’t had any kind of meaningful conversation since Dec. 4, so I guess some may have the perspective that we lost her on Dec. 5. Does it matter? I guess that is a Subjective answer, as everyone has experienced this internally, a bit differently. Those differences combined are why we all worked together to do what was best..we held each other up when each of us wavered in strength. I appreciate all the people, who have strong Spiritual Health that showed up to encourage us in that way. I have never prayed or been closer to God in my entire life. I must get back to that, and not blame God for not healing Alex the way I wanted Him to. He can handle this though, and I know He understands this. He gave all of us the strength to endure the process of losing her. Some of this is lip service, but it has to have a beginning, and I believe saying it out loud can start the process of reconnecting with God. I was concerned about this prior to her passing, that I would turn my back on God, the very entity that gave me the strength to survive the whole process of all the girls going though various types and degrees of medical crises. Well, this is turning into a book so…
More later…

First Time Blogger

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It has been suggested that I start a blog instead of posting my experiences on FB. Two and half months ago, two of my daughters and grandson were in a life changing car accident. My grandson was okay, but my two daughters were severely injured. My younger daughter was taken to the hospital unconscious. It took the Emergency response team over an hour to cut my oldest daughter out of the car. This day was December 5, 2011. This day forever changed our lives. Part of what has helped me to cope with each day has been to write to my friends on Facebook, who have offered  so much support with what will always be a nightmare.  Thank God there were computers at the hospital.

http://kezi.com/news/local/232534