Grief after losing family/child

Child Bereavement, Grief, Grief after losing family/child, Uncategorized

Seven Years Later…

Gallery | Posted on by Nina E Boone

All the kids when they were little

My Four children Oldest-Landria 2nd-Alexandra, 3rd-Hope and the baby and only boy-Eli!

January 31, 2012, my second child, Alexandra passed away after being in a coma for eight weeks.

We all are grieving, it’s part of being human. Loss of children, grandchildren, parents, (best)friends, divorce, pets, jobs..the list goes on. I learned somewhere along the way that the pain softens, the sneaker waves don’t knock me off my feet as often, it’s possible to experience both grief and happiness at the same time. None of this felt possible for the first few years. I thought and hoped I would die after Alex died.

My surviving children have and continue to struggle with their grief.  Sibling grief is typically overlooked. In our family, this is absolutely true. I wasn’t aware this was happening for quite some time. I could write a book on what has happened with each one of them since Alex died. It has been heart wrenching, terrifying and exhausting to watch as their lives have unraveled.

Two of them are maintaining and working toward solutions. One of them is living on the streets with no end in sight, except death or jail. I cannot save her, but have certainly tried! I have done my best to be realistic and not catastrophize; although, losing  a child has made this near impossible. I wait for the call that I am all too familiar with. I just pray this blog won’t ever be about losing multiple children. It is possible, and I do not take it for granted that I will be spared from more loss.

SEVEN YEARS AGO, I wrote this:

I wish it was ten years from now. They say it takes eight years to feel joy again after losing a child. I don’t know if this is accurate, but I thought maybe a fast forward of ten years would give me a jump start. Talked to my Dad today, and he told me to go back to work, as he believes this will help. Maybe it will, but I am afraid I will not be able to focus or deal with being the way I need to be to be there. I don’t want people to pity me or treat me like I am somehow different. I will never be the same, but it is a terrible to feeling to feel like people can take one look at you and see that you might just fall apart at any time.

The thing that I like about my job is that I get out of myself, and try to be useful to others. That is the only way I know how to get through life when I am depressed, etc. without this going on. I suppose it probably is the same now..this still could work to walk through this with the same method of operation.

Eli and a family friend rented a chain saw to trim my trees.. Eli’s idea of course. I thought the whole tree was crashing into the house. Needless to say, the tree is still standing after I told him to I didn’t want a 16 foot hacked up tree. Eli is a handy fella, he just gets over zealous at times.

Hope and Landon are doing well. Landon is still kind of yellow from his Jaundice, but it is slowly changing. He has the most expressive little face when he sleeps..frowns, smiles, squints, opens his eyes (while sleeping)..he is very cute. So far, his eyes are a dark blue. It will be interesting to see what he looks like as he gets older. Hopes
newborn picture looks so much like him.

Landria and Rylan came by today. Rylan is constantly talking about how he is going to go to school. He talks so well, and is almost potty trained. I am grateful to have the boys, as they do lighten up the dark days. Rob sure enjoys Landon. He comes over almost everyday to hold him. I know he needs a little light in his life right now. Losing Alex has been a huge heartbreak for him, and I just pray that he remembers how much we all need him to be okay as he walks through this. I know that people need me to be okay as well even when I don’t feel okay, I still try to act as if..that is a very difficult thing to do day after day.

I do not know why some people can handle things differently than others. I am not saying I am handling this any better…I just don’t know why God has entrusted me with so much to handle during my lifetime. No self pity, just kinda wondering if this is it..today, it occurred to me that I have lost a mom and now a daughter to a car accident. I have been very careful not to go there through this whole thing. When Alex was in the hospital I didn’t not allow myself to think about that. Two completely different situations. There is no relief from Alex’s death. My mom was in pain for many years, and there was a sense of relief that God took her home. I don’t see it that way with Alex.
Of course it took me years to come to that with my mom. I had to work through my guilt over feeling that way though.

I have a friend who lost two kids eight years apart, so I do not think I have it any worse than others, just don’t want anymore. Life doesn’t give us those guarantees though. I guess life could always be harder, so when you are thinking how could it get any worse..don’t go there! It could.
Boy, I am just Negative Nancy tonight aren’t I ? Alex called me that…glass half empty gal. I could just hide in my room for the rest of my life. Maybe that is why people do that…
More later…

Four Year Angelversary

Posted on by Nina E Boone

imageJanuary 31st is my daughter, Alex’s four year Angelversary. As some know, Alex was 17, a Senior in high school, had just taken her SAT’s, then bam, in a coma for 8 weeks before she died. This year is no different from the first three. I feel flooded with memories and disbelief of all she went through. It continues to feel so surreal that she is really dead. She was my Grace child, my child who was so incredibly beautiful spiritually and physically. How could this happen? She was so vivacious, loving, intelligent, excited to turn 18, to live on her own, to get married, be a mom; the list could go on ad infinitum.

Her best friend just got engaged, which is such an example of how confusing being a grieving mother is at times. I want to feel happy for Alex’s friends and classmates as they experience happiness and success. I have to say it takes my breath away when I see photos of her friends, making new memories that Alex hasn’t been a part of for four years.

Right now, the pain due to her absence is unbearable. For many people who do not get child bereavement, after four years, I should be good to go now. My own father cannot stand that I continue to grieve. I really do not have patience or tolerance for judgemental bystanders. Its cruel and abusive to judge a person who is grieving. Grief, depression and sadness make many people very uncomfortable. I have made great strides with staying away from judgmental people,  and who have made it clear they cannot handle being around me anymore. I have been angry and hurt by these things. Now, it really just disgusts me. One day, maybe I will be able to pray for them without my own judgements. For now, I try to focus on the people who have been supportive and shown such love and empathy toward me.
There is an element of tunnel vision in child bereavement. I am sure this will broaden as time passes. I have read that it is natural to seem obsessed with the child who died. I live in what almost seems like a different world. A world of regret, sadness, yearning and desperation..desperate to make sense of the afterlife. That is the reality of what its like to continue living without my child, the life of a grieving mother after almost four years.
I have tried my best to consider how Alex’s death affects my family, but fail miserably most of the time. I know life will never be the same without Alex, it will never be okay that she died. I dont know if the accident and death anniversary will always be like reliving it all. I will continue to write about my journey as it comes, which has been so necessary for my sanity.

Approaching Four Year Accident Anniversary

Posted on by Nina E Boone

imageIt has been so long since I have written a post on Mother of an Angel. I think writing has been crucial to my survival since this happened, however, I have found that I rarely go as deep as often when I do write. I think it has been self preservation. What helps to grieve changes, so I try various activities that distract me from the reality where Alex is not here. Some examples are Facebook pages I run. One is Mother of an Angel and the other one is A Dash of life, a page for Funnies. Playing with my grandkids and spending time with my husband, working in Alex’s Memorial Garden are my favorite things to do. They bring a lot of joy to my broken heart. I didn’t realize there was room for such sadness and joy at the same time.

My other children have had their difficulties since Alex died. One of my children who has been the rock, has started to fall apart. I really wish I could help, but I am powerless. I have tried, but I believe things will have to take their course. It’s frightening, as I do not want to lose another child. My oldest daughter, who was driving during the accident is going back for more medical procedures, as she is having difficulties due to some of the hardware in various places in her body. My youngest graduated from high school and turned 18. I know it’s been a struggle for him, as Alex didn’t get to do those things.
My husband has been very supportive, but I know it wears on him. At times, I am very unavailable, especially during the Winter months. I believe he has helped me in ways I’m very fortunate to have. I was doing this without a partner, and at times, I felt very, very alone. I wasn’t expecting to meet someone, especially someone I was acquainted with for years. I have questioned whether it is fair to him that we married in the midst of such grief. I do know I didn’t believe I was capable of the love and respect I have for him. He is a true blessing who I’m not sure I am worthy of. I know one thing, Alex would love him, and she would approve! I hope she knows, I think she does!

My friends have been so very important since the accident. I am so blessed by the women in my life, who walked the hospitalization, day after day. One friend took the first four days off from work to stay with me. One of them came and stayed with me for a month to take care of me. Another friend took my oldest daughter to her post rehab doctor appointments. Three weeks after Alex died, two of my friends were in the room when my youngest daughter had her baby, I have one friend who has been steadfast since Alex died. She would acknowledge how difficult Tuesday’s were for the first six months, then the 31st of the month; Anniversaries, Angelversaries, birthdays and holidays. Some of my friendships have changed dramatically. Two of my very best friends in the world died after Alex’s death. Another very close friend disappeared. I have been reacquainted with old friends, so friendships have been an interesting and painful experience as well. I am much better at not taking it personally that people disappeared.

As the Fourth Anniversary looms ahead of us, I can say that the intensity of the sneaker waves that hit aren’t as debilitating today as they were in the first three years. I am still struck with those gut wrenching, unbelievable moments that I cannot fathom that Alex isn’t here, that she went through such a horrible two months in a coma. I don’t have the need today to write about the details of those two months. It might be time to write about Landria’s horrific journey of recovery. She is still recovering and has a lifetime of healing in a way that is unique to the rest of us. Somehow, God continues to give me the strength and courage to face each day. I believe He does this through Alex.

Difficult Time of Year

Posted on by Nina E Boone

babygirl2This time of year has been very difficult since my daughter died, almost three years ago. Three years ago, we were fighting to save her life. We had so much Hope that she would wake up, and come back to us. When they first told us she would never be the same, I didn’t get it. I thought it meant the experience would transform her emotionally and mentally. It didn’t take long for me to understand they meant physically. I accepted that, as long as she could wake up. They told us that because she was young, her chances were better of surviving. If she still hadn’t woken up at 6 weeks, then her chances were slim of coming out of it. At that point, they hadn’t done an MRI, so we didn’t really know the extent of her brain injuries. I will never forget the meeting where the doctor told us her midbrain was gone. I didn’t get it, I asked him, “you mean, not coming back?” He confirmed this, which meant, no hope for her to come back to us. If she were to recover at all, it would be in veg. state. My baby, 17 years old, a senior in high school was going to either die or lay there for the rest of her life hooked up to feeding tubes and IV’s to give her the massive amounts of various meds to keep her alive. They had to feed her 20,000 calories a day for her to maintain. The storming and posturing was like running a marathon 24/7. She weighed 96 pounds when she died. We made the decision to let her go be with God. I continue to struggle with my Faith, as it was completely torn apart when she died. I wanted to die, I needed to die.
The last three years have been a fight to heal my Faith, and try to live in a way that would honor my daughter, and not disrespect her in any way. I have tried grief counseling, I have gone to twelve step meetings for 23 years, which have saved my life. I recently attended a couple Compassionate Friends meetings.
This last Summer, I got married to a wonderful guy. I never thought I would even want to do that, let alone be capable of letting someone close enough to me to get married. He has had to watch me suffer, and has been very caring and supportive. I know it has been difficult for him, and my other kids. I could write a whole segment on my other kids’ journey, and how they have given me a reason to keep going.
My son is a Senior now, which has been scary. He is right where Alex was when she died. Two days ago, a girl in his class committed suicide. Another tragedy in this small community. This is the second student who took her life since Alex died from his school. I feel utterly powerless with how to help anyone, including my son. So much death and tragedy. Two of my best friends died tragically since Alex died as well. My mother took her life when I was 11. So here I am, not going to work, in my pj’s, writing this blog, which I’m sure is utterly depressing. I have to say that writing has been a huge coping skill since the accident. I haven’t been writing as much, as I get tired of own rants. It is important to release this though. I fear I will have a break down if I don’t. My husband has encouraged me to take care of myself, and told me with everything that happened, it is okay to not be strong and march on. I have always tried my best since a little girl to be tough, and not let circumstances defeat me. Thank you to my husband and kids who give me a reason to pick up the pieces of my shattered soul and continue on.

Third Anniversary of ‘The Accident’

Posted on by Nina E Boone

Landria and Alex

Landria and Alex

Tomorrow will be three years since my two daughters and grandson were in a horrible car accident. This accident left my two daughters severely injured and my grandson with minor injuries. My youngest daughter died two months later and my older daughter had a total of 8 surgeries, with life long injuries, both physical and psychological. Denial has been our friend at times. If it weren’t for that, we never would have survived this long. At times, I have wanted to penetrate those around me who have appeared to not be as affected. Then I have to realize, usually with the help of a friend, that what appears to be not caring is really just people coping the best way they can. As Alex’s mother, of course I am going to grieve and mourn more intensely than most, except her father. I know he suffers as I do. We are not able to walk through this together at this point. I have felt angry and upset that her friends have just moved on without remembering her. They don’t see us, read or post on  her Facebook or her page I made to remember her. I forget that this doesn’t mean they don’t remember or grieve for her. What I fail to recognize at times, is that I am just so very mad, sad at sickened that my beautiful Alex is gone, no babies, no marriage, no college..the list goes on and on. I can really fall into being an angry, bitter person. I do not want to stay there though, and it usually don’t. I want to get better, I want to heal enough to pass on her legacy, which is love and forgiveness. She was much better at this, so I will try to remember to ask for direction. My Spiritual health has still not recovered from losing Alex. I have committed to going to Compassionate Friends on a regular basis. My journey isn’t over yet, and there are days when this is very difficult to say the least.

Break in Denial

Posted on by Nina E Boone

Alexandra Makenzie Malcomb

Tonight I had the realization that Alex was gone at the scene of the accident. I was reading about the different parts of her brain that were injured. I did this after hearing about another woman in a coma from being hit by a drunk driver. When I hear about other people going through this experience, I relive what we went through with Alex and my other daughter, Landria. I have been in a lot of denial about the extent of Alex’s brain injuries. Diffuse Axonal brain injury. Her mid brain was completely gone. Her Reticular Activating system had holes of dead areas through out, her pituitary gland did not function, her Basal Ganglia was damaged, she had damage to the of optic nerve pathway to her left eye. I know there was more, but that is what I remember. When brain cells die, they do not regenerate. I did not know this. When they first told us this, I thought I would die. I ran out of the meeting and locked myself in the bathroom. I could not handle hearing she was not going to come out of this. She would never walk again, she would never feed herself or be free of some kind of life support and she would never wake up..she would be in a persistent vegetative state.

After my sudden departure from the meeting, I took a deep breath, and told myself, I had to go back to the meeting for Alex. I had to keep fighting for her. This is when Neurology got involved. Her Trauma Surgeon kept them at bay to give us time to be ready for what I believe he already believed would be the outcome. In the meantime, I asked that he consult with Doernbechers Children’s Hospital in Portland, a hospital in Chicago and the East Coast. Three Neurology opinions later, besides the consults, we took her off life support. I am shattered right now. Reliving and having the denial lifted is horrible. Denial protects us at times.

This post is disturbing and hard to write, so I’m sure hard to read.
More later..hopefully not so dark.

Grief, Grief after losing family/child

When the Waves Hit

Image | Posted on by Nina E Boone

Beautiful Angel Girl

Beautiful Angel Girl


It has been two years, three months and 23 days since Alex died. I don’t know why I continue to be surprised when the “sneaker wave” hits again. This is when something triggers the enormous pain from knowing in my soul my daughter really did die. Most of the time, I trudge forward in this new reality with a barrier of fog that softens the shards of pain.

I have thought about my belief or non belief in life after death. For now, I’m not sure whether I can wrap my mind around this, but I want and need to believe Alex isn’t just dead. I need to believe she is happy and safe. I want so desperately to see her again. I want to make her proud of the way I am carrying her memory and legacy forward. She was sweet, yet feisty. She expected people to be the best they could be. I don’t want her to ever be forgotten.

We are building a memorial garden for her. I will be getting married there this Summer. I am blessed to have found a genuinely wonderful person, who I wish so much could have known Alex better. The happiness is infiltrated with grief and sadness. My fiancé has been very patient, understanding and supportive. I know Alex would approve. The guilt has been difficult as well. How can I be happy when I am so very sad? I have realized that grief, sadness and happiness can co-exist.

My other kids are doing okay. My son, the youngest, is in a grief group, which has been tough for him. I can see the benefits though. The kids have protected their dad and I from their grief. As we more time has passed, this has started to change. My oldest, who was the driver is doing okay. She has lifelong injuries from the accident. She is bringing my grandson to visit soon. He was also in the accident.

When the wave hits, I have found it is best to ride it out. When it hits, it feels like it will kill me when, but resisting it by stuffing the pain has its own set of consequences.
More later…

Another Family’s Tragedy

Posted on by Nina E Boone

imageAs I follow the young man in Good Sam. ICU, I have flash backs. He is having his trach and feeding tube put in tomorrow. When you had that surgery, I didn’t realize it was because it was because they predicted you were not going to wake up anytime soon if at all. I know they don’t know that either. They don’t know all the agitation can mean. I am reading between the lines. I am also staying away and keeping my mouth shut. At first, I was a bit crazed to find a way to help. The fund raiser has been productive. Someone put an ad in the paper. I wish there would have been an article asking for prayer, letting people know what happened to you, Landria and Rylan. Not for money, for validation.. I want everyone to know. Is this selfish, unusual? I think I want to carry your memory, I didn’t want you to be forgotten. I want people to know the burden Landria carries and how broken she is. I haven’t done very well with that. I have been upset, mad and unforgiving.
I am also mad at the lady who was in front of you driving 20-25mph in the fog without flashers. I think it is disgusting she was gossiping about the speed Landria during to pass her, when it was to plow into her.the first thing she said to her dad as she was very out of from all the drugs was why were they stopped? She thought that car was stopped, she was not passing, just to pass her.

I will finish this entry tomorrow. I decided to end this entry where I left off.

Grief after losing family/child, Trauma

Release the Pressure Valve

Image | Posted on by Nina E Boone

imageI started thinking about how it must have been to be at the scene of the accident. A man pulled Alex out of the car, as he either didn’t find a pulse or was unsure if she was breathing. You see, I have been too afraid to get a copy of the accident report. I did leave a message on Facebook for the man who performed CPR on her. At first, Alex’s‘ dad was upset that someone moved her, as she had a broken pelvis and sacrum. He had to use his best judgement in a split second, during what must have been terrifying. Alex was whisked away to the hospital first. Landria was trapped in the car and Rylan was put in the ambulance. It took quite awhile to cut Landria out of the car. Later, Landria told me that when she regained consciousness, she kept calling out to Alex, with no response and Rylan was screaming. Someone came to the car and Landria was able to scream out my phone number. I will never forget that horrible phone call.

I have flash backs of all the details I saw first hand and envision the details of the accident. I do my best to push this all aside and do what is right in front of me to do. It has been almost two years, and I wonder if I will ever not do this. I think a lot of us underestimated the amount of trauma we all experienced from this. Having two daughters In ICU broken and twisted, ultimately almost killed both of them. One daughter in a coma, and the other completely broken into pieces. I remember feeling like I had to figure out who needed me most and when where and how to be. Thank God both of their dads were there. That is a blog entry in itself!

I really believe it is time for me to move on with my life. It is time for me leave this area. Geographic’s will not change what happened or my feelings of grief and loss. I do need to try to break out of the cycle I am in. I need to create new pathways in my own brain. This is a very real technique that can be used to break out of obsessive, plaguing thought patterns. Not to say it has to be what I am considering.

After writing this entry, I realized how much I needed to release these memories regularly, as they create a lot of pressure within me. I haven’t found a method to do this that feels safe. Talking about it with a therapist has been excruciating. It has helped me sort through the anger and resentment I have felt, and get closer to forgiveness for others. It is me who I have not forgiven. I believe that will be part of my journey until I die.

Grief, Grief after losing family/child, Traumatic brain injury

More Research and Clarification

Image | Posted on by Nina E Boone

imageToday, I spent a couple hours doing some research about the areas of Alex’s brain that were damaged or gone. I believe I gained a different, more clear perspective than what I had before. The explanations that we were given were vague and simplistic. This was all I could handle at that time. I have spent these last 21 months ruminating over all the details of Alex’s’ injuries and all her hospital journey entailed.

I was able to understand why the doctors told us she would never walk, talk or feed herself. She had a thirty percent chance of gaining minimal consciousness. This means that she may show some sign that she is in there, but not communicate. Even then, it would be vicarious. I remember the specific trauma team meeting when we got the results of the first MRI. Her trauma surgeon drew a diagram of the brain to help us understand what he was about to show us on the MRI. He explained that the dark spots were actually parts of the brain that were gone. He showed us her Reticular Activating System (RAS), which was severely damaged. It had little holes scattered throughout the RAS, which is so small,yet so crucial. The RAS is responsible for communicating with the frontal cortex to wake up, so any damage decreases  a coma patients’ chances of regaining normal consciousness. With the amount of damage her RAS had, it was probable that she would never wake up.

The next section affected that he drew out was the midbrain. He said the section down the entire length of the middle was gone. I remember asking him what he meant by “gone”. He then said he meant it was dead, not coming back. That was when I finally understood that brain cells do not regenerate or heal. He explained that without those two very important parts of her brain, we were facing the reality that this may be as good as it was going to get.

That wasn’t all of the bad news though. Her Basal Ganglia was severely damaged as well. The simplest way for me to remember what that could mean is that people with Parkinson’s, Tourette’s and Huntingtons Disease have damage in the Basal Ganglia. Alex’s hands already had the appearance of damage. This was from the spasticity of the posturing, which is involuntary flexing, wringing and clenching of extremities. I was able to find a medication through my research that they had not tried for this. It had optimal results by administering the medication, Baclofen through a intrathecral pump. That was not possible, so they gave it to her in her Picc line. She didn’t do well with it, so she didn’t stay on it very long.

When we had a meeting with the first of three Neurologists, he told us she would never wake up, talk, walk, feed herself. I flipped..I asked him how sure he was. He said he was 99.9% sure he was right. I asked him about his credentials. The trauma nurse interrupted and told me I could go online and find that information. I got very upset with her. I stated that I felt it was completely reasonable for me to want to know where he went to medical school, did his residency and how many years he had been practicing medicine. After all, I said I wasn’t asking how many divorces he had been through. I was being asked to trust some doctor who was telling us that our daughter would never wake up. Alex’s trauma surgeon chuckled. I surprised myself, but I was advocating for Alex’s care, her life and her fate. Needless to say, we got two more Neurologists to meet with us to be sure.

The next two Neurologists were more humble and would not give us a percentage. In fact one of them had been my grandma’s doctor. They then joined the team of tweaking her meds to help with storming. They reintroduced Baclofen to her regimen. I say that because it made me wonder about them not being involved sooner. After all, I am the one who suggested adding Baclofen after reading about it. Her mother, not even in the health care industry. I believe her trauma doctor did not feel we would do well with knowing the truth any sooner than we got into Alex’s prognosis.

When my dad came the day after the accident, Alex’s trauma doctor, who was in charge of her case, showed us the second CT scan. He had tears in his eyes as he told us how sorry he was. I do not doubt he did everything in her best interest and tried to give her time to show us how much she was capable of improving before giving an MRI. When I asked him to get second and third opinions from other larger hospitals, he did. That is actually why we had a second MRI, as Doernbechers Children’s hospital requested it. So I know we were in good hands. All the other doctors he consulted with confirmed he was doing everything they would have done. I do believe Alex would have an MRI after about a month. I do not second guess his decision to wait.

I am finding a huge need to write about this. There is so much more I want to write about. So many experiences and details. I hope someday my writing will find itself to another mom like me, desperate for answers on how to save her child or loved one.