It has been two years, three months and 23 days since Alex died. I don’t know why I continue to be surprised when the “sneaker wave” hits again. This is when something triggers the enormous pain from knowing in my soul my daughter really did die. Most of the time, I trudge forward in this new reality with a barrier of fog that softens the shards of pain.
I have thought about my belief or non belief in life after death. For now, I’m not sure whether I can wrap my mind around this, but I want and need to believe Alex isn’t just dead. I need to believe she is happy and safe. I want so desperately to see her again. I want to make her proud of the way I am carrying her memory and legacy forward. She was sweet, yet feisty. She expected people to be the best they could be. I don’t want her to ever be forgotten.
We are building a memorial garden for her. I will be getting married there this Summer. I am blessed to have found a genuinely wonderful person, who I wish so much could have known Alex better. The happiness is infiltrated with grief and sadness. My fiancé has been very patient, understanding and supportive. I know Alex would approve. The guilt has been difficult as well. How can I be happy when I am so very sad? I have realized that grief, sadness and happiness can co-exist.
My other kids are doing okay. My son, the youngest, is in a grief group, which has been tough for him. I can see the benefits though. The kids have protected their dad and I from their grief. As we more time has passed, this has started to change. My oldest, who was the driver is doing okay. She has lifelong injuries from the accident. She is bringing my grandson to visit soon. He was also in the accident.
When the wave hits, I have found it is best to ride it out. When it hits, it feels like it will kill me when, but resisting it by stuffing the pain has its own set of consequences.