It has been so long since I have written a post on Mother of an Angel. I think writing has been crucial to my survival since this happened, however, I have found that I rarely go as deep as often when I do write. I think it has been self preservation. What helps to grieve changes, so I try various activities that distract me from the reality where Alex is not here. Some examples are Facebook pages I run. One is Mother of an Angel and the other one is A Dash of life, a page for Funnies. Playing with my grandkids and spending time with my husband, working in Alex’s Memorial Garden are my favorite things to do. They bring a lot of joy to my broken heart. I didn’t realize there was room for such sadness and joy at the same time.
My other children have had their difficulties since Alex died. One of my children who has been the rock, has started to fall apart. I really wish I could help, but I am powerless. I have tried, but I believe things will have to take their course. It’s frightening, as I do not want to lose another child. My oldest daughter, who was driving during the accident is going back for more medical procedures, as she is having difficulties due to some of the hardware in various places in her body. My youngest graduated from high school and turned 18. I know it’s been a struggle for him, as Alex didn’t get to do those things.
My husband has been very supportive, but I know it wears on him. At times, I am very unavailable, especially during the Winter months. I believe he has helped me in ways I’m very fortunate to have. I was doing this without a partner, and at times, I felt very, very alone. I wasn’t expecting to meet someone, especially someone I was acquainted with for years. I have questioned whether it is fair to him that we married in the midst of such grief. I do know I didn’t believe I was capable of the love and respect I have for him. He is a true blessing who I’m not sure I am worthy of. I know one thing, Alex would love him, and she would approve! I hope she knows, I think she does!
My friends have been so very important since the accident. I am so blessed by the women in my life, who walked the hospitalization, day after day. One friend took the first four days off from work to stay with me. One of them came and stayed with me for a month to take care of me. Another friend took my oldest daughter to her post rehab doctor appointments. Three weeks after Alex died, two of my friends were in the room when my youngest daughter had her baby, I have one friend who has been steadfast since Alex died. She would acknowledge how difficult Tuesday’s were for the first six months, then the 31st of the month; Anniversaries, Angelversaries, birthdays and holidays. Some of my friendships have changed dramatically. Two of my very best friends in the world died after Alex’s death. Another very close friend disappeared. I have been reacquainted with old friends, so friendships have been an interesting and painful experience as well. I am much better at not taking it personally that people disappeared.
As the Fourth Anniversary looms ahead of us, I can say that the intensity of the sneaker waves that hit aren’t as debilitating today as they were in the first three years. I am still struck with those gut wrenching, unbelievable moments that I cannot fathom that Alex isn’t here, that she went through such a horrible two months in a coma. I don’t have the need today to write about the details of those two months. It might be time to write about Landria’s horrific journey of recovery. She is still recovering and has a lifetime of healing in a way that is unique to the rest of us. Somehow, God continues to give me the strength and courage to face each day. I believe He does this through Alex.