Today it has been 9 weeks since Alex passed away. It feels like it just happened. I continue to put one foot in front of the other, as what choice do I have? I don’t even know what to post anymore, and this is sad because it has been such a useful tool for me to cope with the grief. I try to remember all the happy times with her, and post as many pictures that I can find to remember her…I feel I need to do more than this, as it not sustaining me anymore. To feel a disconnection with God is very difficult, as I have relied so heavily on this relationship for such a long time. I do not blame God for what happened to the girls, but I guess it is hard for me to trust Him now. We prayed and prayed for a Miracle..the Miracle we wanted and this didn’t happen. I knew this was a possibility, yet I was so desperate, I was willing to take this chance. I am sure I just need to work this out with God, and trust that He knew what he was doing. Or, maybe it wasn’t Him at all, after all, we made the decision to take her off life support..this creates problems for me, as I have a lot of guilt..like I gave up on her. The entire team of doctors told us we made the right decision, but I will forever wish she was here..selfish? Probably, as now she is free, without having to suffer.
Off to work to pretend all is okay in the world.
More later…