Holiday Grief

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It has been over five years since we began walking through Alex’s death with her. At the time, we still had hope that she would make it. We were naive, how could we know what all the nurses and doctors already knew was the likely outcome. With her kind of brain injuries, it was not possible for her to come back to us, but we did not know this! We fought for her, researched,  asked questions, demanded that they try everything they could to help her. I asked that they ask for second and third opinions from bigger hospitals and doctors. Alex’s father and stepmother and I worked together to do what was best for Alex.

I did not want to give up, I did not want to withdraw life support. I wasn’t ready! I agreed to it because I was convinced it was the best for Alex. It has been Hell to live with this..I knew that if I let her go, I would have to forgive myself, but had no idea how deep this would infiltrate my soul. It goes against a mother’s instinct to let her own child die. To sit with her for five days and watch her slowly slip away. I changed my mind on the second day, but the doctor said it was too late. Her frontal cortex was probably also gone by then. I was reminded by one of her nurses that the only way Alex could communicate was through her body and facial expressions. She had a horrible scowl on her face the entire 8 weeks, until the night we took her off life support. She was at peace, she no longer fought or scowled and the storming stopped. There was no medical explanation for this. So I had to believe what the nurse was telling me..that Alex was telling us it was okay,  the only way she could.

We hung out in her room with her for five days. People came to say goodbye to her, we ate, watched TV, laid in bed with her. It was so strange to just hang out with her like that. I felt like I was in denial that she was actually going to die. I think denial can be a gift. At times, I have felt guilty that I didn’t run screaming through the hospital at all times everyday. Just last night,  I told my younger daughter, Hope that I wished I would have pleaded with Alex more to come back.

I have said some of the most bizarre things since Alex died. I wish I could have kept her body and kept her here. I have her ashes, but I wish I had all of her intact. The night she died, I got the call from the organ donor people. It was horrifying. I didn’t think about what that would be like. Answering around 100 questions about her social history was so upsetting. Then, I worried about Alex being taken to some strange place and dismembered. It was all so God Awful. Why God? Why couldn’t you heal her brain when all these other people who are so less deserving than sweet Alex, get another chance.

Well, the other day, I finally decided that perhaps, it was Alex’s time to go. Maybe it isn’t about fairness or good and bad. Maybe, it is about timing. I hated this theory until now. It made me so furious when people would say that it was either her time, or that she was so good that she learned all she needed to here. I have walked through many other people getting another chance since Alex died. It breaks my heart every time..not because I wanted them to die, but because Alex did.

We just had a Christmas party today. It was a lot of fun. It was jolly and we had many good friends and good foods. The house is warm and looks really Christmasy. Now, here I sit writing about my dear Alex, who isn’t here and won’t be here for another Christmas ever again. It is hard to live in the land of grief and mourning and the land of the living. I do my best to live in both. That is the only way I know how to be a Grieving Mother.

More Reflections

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Good morning. I am up way too early with the baby. Hope is having wisdom tooth issues, so I got up to take care of Landon. He is still coughing, so I am not sure it is just a virus. He really only coughs in the morning, so I don’t know…
I am still in shock that Alex is gone. I have been dreaming about her the last two nights. Last night I dreamed that she was on drugs and drinking, which is the farthest from the truth about her. Sorry Alex! I told her and the friend she was with that I was telling the other girls parents.. weird. This journey of accepting the reality of all that has happened is such a mind blower..I feel like I am living in a dream. I have always had such vivid dreams, and then upon awakening, would think wow, what was that all about. This feels like that..I even thought in my dream that I should be mad at her for wrecking her car last May that way she would still be here. Crazy, huh. I would never be mad her for something so petty. I picked up one of my books yesterday. I read that so many parents put priorities in life into perspective. Prior to their children’s death, they were unable to achieve what they felt was their potential because of lack of confidence, etc. After this experience so many of them felt they grew as individuals and no longer felt that life was so scary, as they already lived through the worst nightmare they could have imagined. I have pondered this very idea myself. I believe, further into this journey, I will hopefully have more of the courage to accomplish some of my goals that I have been too afraid of. I am grateful for the job I have..the people are wonderful, but I have a degree, and it is past time to utilize this. Alex used to question why I wasn’t recognizing my full potential, so I am hoping I can be like the parents in the book I was reading. I know the alternative is let this define me for the rest of my life..I believe it will define me in a certain way..maybe just not negatively. I will never be the same person as I was..I just Hope I can Honor Alex’s memory to be the best I can be. Right now, I am the best I can be with the grief I am experiencing. It is a process that I must respect and walk through. The alternative is have it come out sideways for the rest of my life. I would rather deal with it as it hits. I know what the consequences are if I don’t..I didn’t deal with my mom’s death for many years. I was a kid with no skills, and didn’t have adults in my life with the skills to walk through it in a healthy way. They had their own grief that they had no idea how to deal with. Now I understand more of what they experienced. I have more compassion for her parents and brothers. Loss of a loved one trickles down to the whole family/friends..she had cousins that her death affected as well. My step-dad was very affected by her death..the importance of his grief was overlooked by our whole family. I did learn more from her death than I realized. Nothing can prepare one for the next loss though, especially a child.
More later…