Our first Easter was an emotional day. We managed to make a nice meal. I even made homemade apple pies. If it weren’t for Hope, that is the extent of what we would have had. I Spent most of the day watching Hallmark movies that seemed to have a common theme. Forgiveness and having Faith in God after losing either a child or a spouse. Of course they made me cry and feel more than I wanted to. The messages were hopeful, and even though they were just movies, I needed to hear the messages. Anger is a part of grief, but unforgiveness only shuts me off from healing. I have to believe that God didn’t do this, and he didn’t choose to not heal Alex in the way we wanted..the book I am reading talks about how life can have random things happen. People want to put tragic things that happen in a package that includes either a lesson we need to learn or a larger plan. The Rabbi, who is the author of When Bad Things Happen to Bad People, speaks to how insulting this is to the bereaved..he doesn’t believe God allows tragedy to occur to teach us a lesson. This would mean he is vengeful God, and that if we have made mistakes or lacking in something that he allows this to happen for us to learn something. This makes the non-beareaved feel better about the world..that it isn’t just random. People talk about Random Acts of Kindness….well, according to this author, tragedy can occur like this too. I am not stating that I believe this is truth, just exploring and processing the ideas that I read about. I don’t believe that any of us do something that justifies our loved ones to suffer for the sake of a lesson taught or a higher plan. I did believe some of this prior to the accident. Now I have to reconstruct my believes and truth based on my new reality. I know for a fact that Alex did not deserve to suffer or have her life cut short. I truly hope she is at peace now..it is the rest of us who are left behind to experience our loss of our beautiful, loving Alex.
I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter.
Today it has been 9 weeks since Alex passed away. It feels like it just happened. I continue to put one foot in front of the other, as what choice do I have? I don’t even know what to post anymore, and this is sad because it has been such a useful tool for me to cope with the grief. I try to remember all the happy times with her, and post as many pictures that I can find to remember her…I feel I need to do more than this, as it not sustaining me anymore. To feel a disconnection with God is very difficult, as I have relied so heavily on this relationship for such a long time. I do not blame God for what happened to the girls, but I guess it is hard for me to trust Him now. We prayed and prayed for a Miracle..the Miracle we wanted and this didn’t happen. I knew this was a possibility, yet I was so desperate, I was willing to take this chance. I am sure I just need to work this out with God, and trust that He knew what he was doing. Or, maybe it wasn’t Him at all, after all, we made the decision to take her off life support..this creates problems for me, as I have a lot of guilt..like I gave up on her. The entire team of doctors told us we made the right decision, but I will forever wish she was here..selfish? Probably, as now she is free, without having to suffer.
Off to work to pretend all is okay in the world.