Eleventh Christmas without Alex

Posted on by Nina E Boone

My Facebook memories come up every year that take me right back to what our experience felt like just as it was in real time. The unknown of what was to come makes me very sad for the person I was then. I still had hope that she would come back to us. The naïveté and denial proved to be a buffer from the harsh reality we were about to face.

In many ways, I am grateful I didn’t know, as I got more time with her. I sang to her; washed and braided her hair; read to her; listened to music with her; played One Tree Hill videos for her; painted her toe nails and fingernails; iced her to control her temperature; researched brain injuries; advocated for her zealously; prayer was also significant during this journey. I desperately wanted to find a way to save her..make them save her.

Her body went through so much as we tried and hoped for her to come back. Ultimately, this was part of the realization that it wasn’t in her best interest to continue with this routine so I could keep her here. The medical proof solidified the most loving thing we could do for her was to let her go.

Looking back, I question whether I made it too much about what I needed as her mother. I have learned that questioning past decisions and actions is just part of my experience and of many, many other grieving mothers.

Alexandra will always be my hero in life and death. I believe she was a true Angel and I pray she is back in Heaven with all the other Angels.
She was full of light and joy, who left her legacy of:
“Be the Best We Can Be”


Facebook post Eleven years ago:

Alex is having a better day today. The doctor switched her meds around, so I think it has made a difference. She doesn’t appear to be storming today. The are putting a Pic line in versus moving her central line again. Her nurse today used to work at Doernbeckers Childrens Hospital. It helps us to feel more at ease when the nurse that is assigned to her is caring and competent. Almost all of the nurses she has had have been great. I can’t say that about her nurse yesterday. I realize Alex’s case is very complex, but her Dad and I are very protective and want the very best care she can get. Alex’s stepmom has been very helpful with everything. I am very grateful for her as well. Haven’t talked to Landria for a couple of days. She is going to spend Christimas Eve and Christmas day with her boyfriend, dad and his family. She has to be back by 8PM each night. I think it will give them a clear picture with how ready she is to leave on Wed. I feel torn about not being there for her during this time. If the girls were in opposite positions, I would make the same choice to stay at the hospital. I talked to my Grandson, Rylan this morning. He is so cute! He is talking so well. He gave me smoochies over the phone. Hope baked some goodies to bring to the hospital and is doing some shopping for everyone. Eli is hanging out at his Dads’ for most of the day today.
I want to thank all my coworkers for the fund raiser they did to raise money to help with expenses due to my time off work. A special and huge thank you to Tencia and her family for making the food for the fund raiser. I also want to thank the people in the Dept. who put up the money for the supplies needed to make the food. I so appreciate the love and concern you have all displayed by doing this. Thank you Lisa and Tencia for coming to the hospital to deliver my Secret Santa gift and the proceeds from the fundraiser. I have so underestimated so many people in my life. This tragedy has opened my eyes to so many things. I appreciate so much the concern, prayers and support everyone from my bio. family, recovery family, work family, long time and short time friends. Merry Christmas to everyone. I pray next year we can have a huge celebration for us all to be with Alex. I know Landria and Rylan will be there..I just pray Alex will be too.

Alexandra Makenzie Malcomb

2/24/1994-1/31/2012

Angel Alex ❤️😇

How Could it Be Almost Nine Years

Posted on by Nina E Boone

I wrote this on my Facebook page as a response to the comments left on my profile photo of Alex. I switch my profile photo back to Alex, as I feel I’m not honoring her if I don’t.
Comment I moved to my blog:
I wish I could have a do- over with her. One of the many reasons is that she got ripped off a lot. The squeaky wheel took a lot of attention that she needed and deserved. I will always regret this. She told me this many times. I would try to make more special time for her. She was so forgiving and let me off the hook more than I deserved. I struggle with guilt and resentment toward my other daughters who caused so much drama and trauma in our family.

I try to focus on the special experiences we had the chance to do together, just the two of us. We took trips to Boston and Seattle together. She was an excellent driver as we drove through crazy traffic. I was so impressed! She was an awesome traveler through airports and trains on our adventures in Boston. She loved the North End, almost as much as me. I almost had her talked into moving there. 😀 I will treasure those memories for the remainder of my life. I am very blessed that I got to be her mom/mama’.

During the last nine years, there were many days I was incapacitated by grief. it It is unfathomable to me how we have lived this long without Alex in this world. I try to envision her life as if she didn’t die. I watch her friends graduate from college, get married and have children. I wish she could have experienced these things.

A previous boyfriend passed away in a car accident after Alex died. It has been so heartbreaking. I have envisioned Alex with him in Heaven, especially when he first died. I believed Alex would help welcome him to Heaven. Two forever young people, gone too soon. Often, I picture them checking in on the people who miss and grieve for them. I try to be the best I can be so when or if she checks, she isn’t disappointed in me. She has to be very busy up there checking on all her friends and family. I don’t know if this is how works, but it helps to cope with her absence.

Grieving mothers have a unique grief that can only be understood by other grieving mothers. Fathers and siblings have unique aspects of grief as well. As a grieving mother, I have not done a very job supporting my other three children who have all struggled so much. Sibling grief is often overlooked, as the parents are in shock and unable to recognize this until the fog starts to lift. By this time, it it is very apparent that each sibling has their own experience with learning how to live without their sister or brother. All of my other children struggle with a lot of pain and survivors guilt. My son has been the strong one, but it has taken a toll on him. I am trying to not put him the role of the one child I have who is doing okay our family. It has put a lot of pressure on him. He has his own grief, and feels in some ways, he has lost all of his sisters. I know Alex’s death has affected all of them in different ways. This is for a future blog post.

We have been raising two of our grandchildren for three years. This is not what we planned when we got married. Natalia (squeaky wheel), who is so much like her mom. My husband reminds me she is her own person. Let’s hope we can give Landon what he needs in spite of the similar dynamics. My family gives me the reason to engage in life, in spite of the grief and depression I struggle with. I do my best, even when it looks or feels like I’m failing. We all do in our ways. Loving a grieving mother takes a lot of patience and understanding. I am very grateful for my family and friends, even when I shut them out.

The holidays and what I call the grief season is coming up. The accident anniversary is December 5th, her death date is January 31 and her birthday is February 24th. The first two years it was like reliving what happened. Time and experience are really the only things that have helped with this. I know I will make it through this season and be able to show up for my family, who need me to be present. Alex gets a special gift every Christmas. Ron started this tradition, so he usually picks something to add to her collection. My favorite so far is her Mater Snow globe. She absolutely loved Cars, so we always get something for her when we go to Disneyland. I envision her with me on the Cars rollercoaster.
I really am blown away that it has been nine years since Alex was here with us. Thanksgiving was our last holiday with her. There are moments when I can’t breathe when I really grasp the amount of time that has passed without her..nine years! 😢💔

Child Bereavement, Grief, Grief after losing family/child, Uncategorized

Seven Years Later…

Gallery | Posted on by Nina E Boone

All the kids when they were little

My Four children Oldest-Landria 2nd-Alexandra, 3rd-Hope and the baby and only boy-Eli!

January 31, 2012, my second child, Alexandra passed away after being in a coma for eight weeks.

We all are grieving, it’s part of being human. Loss of children, grandchildren, parents, (best)friends, divorce, pets, jobs..the list goes on. I learned somewhere along the way that the pain softens, the sneaker waves don’t knock me off my feet as often, it’s possible to experience both grief and happiness at the same time. None of this felt possible for the first few years. I thought and hoped I would die after Alex died.

My surviving children have and continue to struggle with their grief.  Sibling grief is typically overlooked. In our family, this is absolutely true. I wasn’t aware this was happening for quite some time. I could write a book on what has happened with each one of them since Alex died. It has been heart wrenching, terrifying and exhausting to watch as their lives have unraveled.

Two of them are maintaining and working toward solutions. One of them is living on the streets with no end in sight, except death or jail. I cannot save her, but have certainly tried! I have done my best to be realistic and not catastrophize; although, losing  a child has made this near impossible. I wait for the call that I am all too familiar with. I just pray this blog won’t ever be about losing multiple children. It is possible, and I do not take it for granted that I will be spared from more loss.

SEVEN YEARS AGO, I wrote this:

I wish it was ten years from now. They say it takes eight years to feel joy again after losing a child. I don’t know if this is accurate, but I thought maybe a fast forward of ten years would give me a jump start. Talked to my Dad today, and he told me to go back to work, as he believes this will help. Maybe it will, but I am afraid I will not be able to focus or deal with being the way I need to be to be there. I don’t want people to pity me or treat me like I am somehow different. I will never be the same, but it is a terrible to feeling to feel like people can take one look at you and see that you might just fall apart at any time.

The thing that I like about my job is that I get out of myself, and try to be useful to others. That is the only way I know how to get through life when I am depressed, etc. without this going on. I suppose it probably is the same now..this still could work to walk through this with the same method of operation.

Eli and a family friend rented a chain saw to trim my trees.. Eli’s idea of course. I thought the whole tree was crashing into the house. Needless to say, the tree is still standing after I told him to I didn’t want a 16 foot hacked up tree. Eli is a handy fella, he just gets over zealous at times.

Hope and Landon are doing well. Landon is still kind of yellow from his Jaundice, but it is slowly changing. He has the most expressive little face when he sleeps..frowns, smiles, squints, opens his eyes (while sleeping)..he is very cute. So far, his eyes are a dark blue. It will be interesting to see what he looks like as he gets older. Hopes
newborn picture looks so much like him.

Landria and Rylan came by today. Rylan is constantly talking about how he is going to go to school. He talks so well, and is almost potty trained. I am grateful to have the boys, as they do lighten up the dark days. Rob sure enjoys Landon. He comes over almost everyday to hold him. I know he needs a little light in his life right now. Losing Alex has been a huge heartbreak for him, and I just pray that he remembers how much we all need him to be okay as he walks through this. I know that people need me to be okay as well even when I don’t feel okay, I still try to act as if..that is a very difficult thing to do day after day.

I do not know why some people can handle things differently than others. I am not saying I am handling this any better…I just don’t know why God has entrusted me with so much to handle during my lifetime. No self pity, just kinda wondering if this is it..today, it occurred to me that I have lost a mom and now a daughter to a car accident. I have been very careful not to go there through this whole thing. When Alex was in the hospital I didn’t not allow myself to think about that. Two completely different situations. There is no relief from Alex’s death. My mom was in pain for many years, and there was a sense of relief that God took her home. I don’t see it that way with Alex.
Of course it took me years to come to that with my mom. I had to work through my guilt over feeling that way though.

I have a friend who lost two kids eight years apart, so I do not think I have it any worse than others, just don’t want anymore. Life doesn’t give us those guarantees though. I guess life could always be harder, so when you are thinking how could it get any worse..don’t go there! It could.
Boy, I am just Negative Nancy tonight aren’t I ? Alex called me that…glass half empty gal. I could just hide in my room for the rest of my life. Maybe that is why people do that…
More later…

Holiday Grief

Posted on by Nina E Boone

It has been over five years since we began walking through Alex’s death with her. At the time, we still had hope that she would make it. We were naive, how could we know what all the nurses and doctors already knew was the likely outcome. With her kind of brain injuries, it was not possible for her to come back to us, but we did not know this! We fought for her, researched,  asked questions, demanded that they try everything they could to help her. I asked that they ask for second and third opinions from bigger hospitals and doctors. Alex’s father and stepmother and I worked together to do what was best for Alex.

I did not want to give up, I did not want to withdraw life support. I wasn’t ready! I agreed to it because I was convinced it was the best for Alex. It has been Hell to live with this..I knew that if I let her go, I would have to forgive myself, but had no idea how deep this would infiltrate my soul. It goes against a mother’s instinct to let her own child die. To sit with her for five days and watch her slowly slip away. I changed my mind on the second day, but the doctor said it was too late. Her frontal cortex was probably also gone by then. I was reminded by one of her nurses that the only way Alex could communicate was through her body and facial expressions. She had a horrible scowl on her face the entire 8 weeks, until the night we took her off life support. She was at peace, she no longer fought or scowled and the storming stopped. There was no medical explanation for this. So I had to believe what the nurse was telling me..that Alex was telling us it was okay,  the only way she could.

We hung out in her room with her for five days. People came to say goodbye to her, we ate, watched TV, laid in bed with her. It was so strange to just hang out with her like that. I felt like I was in denial that she was actually going to die. I think denial can be a gift. At times, I have felt guilty that I didn’t run screaming through the hospital at all times everyday. Just last night,  I told my younger daughter, Hope that I wished I would have pleaded with Alex more to come back.

I have said some of the most bizarre things since Alex died. I wish I could have kept her body and kept her here. I have her ashes, but I wish I had all of her intact. The night she died, I got the call from the organ donor people. It was horrifying. I didn’t think about what that would be like. Answering around 100 questions about her social history was so upsetting. Then, I worried about Alex being taken to some strange place and dismembered. It was all so God Awful. Why God? Why couldn’t you heal her brain when all these other people who are so less deserving than sweet Alex, get another chance.

Well, the other day, I finally decided that perhaps, it was Alex’s time to go. Maybe it isn’t about fairness or good and bad. Maybe, it is about timing. I hated this theory until now. It made me so furious when people would say that it was either her time, or that she was so good that she learned all she needed to here. I have walked through many other people getting another chance since Alex died. It breaks my heart every time..not because I wanted them to die, but because Alex did.

We just had a Christmas party today. It was a lot of fun. It was jolly and we had many good friends and good foods. The house is warm and looks really Christmasy. Now, here I sit writing about my dear Alex, who isn’t here and won’t be here for another Christmas ever again. It is hard to live in the land of grief and mourning and the land of the living. I do my best to live in both. That is the only way I know how to be a Grieving Mother.

Landria and Alex
Homecoming from Boston

Fifth Anniversary of the Accident

Posted on by Nina E Boone

imageFive years ago was our last day with Alex before the accident. It was also a Sunday, which was a quiet lazy day. Alex played on the computer, while I took a nap, which is one of many regrets I carry with me. She came upstairs and laid her head in my lap, and asked me to pluck her eyebrows. I will always remember how she would make me stop after each hair,  and rub her eye as she said “ouch!” That day she was supposed to go to her Dads’ for school, but decided to stay the night and drive to school in the morning. We did not check the weather report that night or the next morning. We didn’t know how icy it was. If only they would taken my car; if only I would have driven; if only the school district would delayed school; if only her dad would have called to warn us about the ice; if only she would gone to her Dads’ when she originally planned; if only Landria would have driven slower; if only the lady in front of them would have put her flashers on so they would have seen her; if only I would have made different choices that led to her going to school in a different town. The list could gone on forever.
None of the what if’s and blame assignments I have given out will bring her back or change anything. The person I blame the most is myself, next would be her Dad. We were her parents, and we failed her in so many ways. He should have called her that morning, as he was up and out of the house before she ever left for school. This bit of blame is new for me. I came up this one a few months ago. He and I are not on good terms. We came together during her 8 weeks in the hospital, but it has been a struggle the last 4 years.

My daughter who was driving the car and I are estranged. She and I struggle with so many issues. I have my own limitations from before this happened. I have tried very hard to do better and be better since I became a mother. I have made many mistakes, but have never given up, even when I wanted to, which came only too often. I never thought I would survive the death of one of my children. I have often felt like I lost two children since the accident.

Forgiveness is so important, yet I am not sure I am ready. I really have this desire, as I know unforgiveness impairs the ability to heal. Perhaps, I feel it would be a betrayal to Alex, which I am sure is the case. I believe this is a thinking error that I cannot change at this point. Whether it is a choice or incapability, I’m not ready, not now.

This has been the most painful five years of my life, including the death of my mother at the age of 12.
Five years without Alexandra Makenzie, my Grace child, my binky girl, my love child, who loved and forgave, who tried to make peace, who took the backseat, even when should have been upfront and center, I will continue to trudge forward and be better and do better. I will do my best to carry her legacy forward, which is to love and do my best.

Bittersweet

Posted on by Nina E Boone

I Have always considered myself a skeptic about the after life. Looking back on my childhood, I wonder if that is true. I believed in ghosts and spirits, which caused me to spend a great deal of time being afraid as a child. Since my daughter, Alex died, I have been desperate to believe she isn’t really gone. My intellect constantly battles with my spirit. There have been many incidents and signs that she is near by.

Two days in a row, there was a white feather on both shirts that were freshly laundered at different times. I know the feathers weren’t there before. I always say hi to her when this happens. I picture her by my side. Today, I am still in my robe, as I feel such deep sorrow and pain. I miss her so very much. It feels like all the chapters of her 17 years got ripped out.

The only thing I know, is that the intensity of these feelings will pass. I want to continue to receive signs, even if they are just random coincidences. Often, memories and signs are painful, as well as a gift. I will never have the desire or ability to forget her. My love as her mother, will always be a part of my soul. I love you Alexandra. 💕

Four Year Angelversary

Posted on by Nina E Boone

imageJanuary 31st is my daughter, Alex’s four year Angelversary. As some know, Alex was 17, a Senior in high school, had just taken her SAT’s, then bam, in a coma for 8 weeks before she died. This year is no different from the first three. I feel flooded with memories and disbelief of all she went through. It continues to feel so surreal that she is really dead. She was my Grace child, my child who was so incredibly beautiful spiritually and physically. How could this happen? She was so vivacious, loving, intelligent, excited to turn 18, to live on her own, to get married, be a mom; the list could go on ad infinitum.

Her best friend just got engaged, which is such an example of how confusing being a grieving mother is at times. I want to feel happy for Alex’s friends and classmates as they experience happiness and success. I have to say it takes my breath away when I see photos of her friends, making new memories that Alex hasn’t been a part of for four years.

Right now, the pain due to her absence is unbearable. For many people who do not get child bereavement, after four years, I should be good to go now. My own father cannot stand that I continue to grieve. I really do not have patience or tolerance for judgemental bystanders. Its cruel and abusive to judge a person who is grieving. Grief, depression and sadness make many people very uncomfortable. I have made great strides with staying away from judgmental people,  and who have made it clear they cannot handle being around me anymore. I have been angry and hurt by these things. Now, it really just disgusts me. One day, maybe I will be able to pray for them without my own judgements. For now, I try to focus on the people who have been supportive and shown such love and empathy toward me.
There is an element of tunnel vision in child bereavement. I am sure this will broaden as time passes. I have read that it is natural to seem obsessed with the child who died. I live in what almost seems like a different world. A world of regret, sadness, yearning and desperation..desperate to make sense of the afterlife. That is the reality of what its like to continue living without my child, the life of a grieving mother after almost four years.
I have tried my best to consider how Alex’s death affects my family, but fail miserably most of the time. I know life will never be the same without Alex, it will never be okay that she died. I dont know if the accident and death anniversary will always be like reliving it all. I will continue to write about my journey as it comes, which has been so necessary for my sanity.

Approaching Four Year Accident Anniversary

Posted on by Nina E Boone

imageIt has been so long since I have written a post on Mother of an Angel. I think writing has been crucial to my survival since this happened, however, I have found that I rarely go as deep as often when I do write. I think it has been self preservation. What helps to grieve changes, so I try various activities that distract me from the reality where Alex is not here. Some examples are Facebook pages I run. One is Mother of an Angel and the other one is A Dash of life, a page for Funnies. Playing with my grandkids and spending time with my husband, working in Alex’s Memorial Garden are my favorite things to do. They bring a lot of joy to my broken heart. I didn’t realize there was room for such sadness and joy at the same time.

My other children have had their difficulties since Alex died. One of my children who has been the rock, has started to fall apart. I really wish I could help, but I am powerless. I have tried, but I believe things will have to take their course. It’s frightening, as I do not want to lose another child. My oldest daughter, who was driving during the accident is going back for more medical procedures, as she is having difficulties due to some of the hardware in various places in her body. My youngest graduated from high school and turned 18. I know it’s been a struggle for him, as Alex didn’t get to do those things.
My husband has been very supportive, but I know it wears on him. At times, I am very unavailable, especially during the Winter months. I believe he has helped me in ways I’m very fortunate to have. I was doing this without a partner, and at times, I felt very, very alone. I wasn’t expecting to meet someone, especially someone I was acquainted with for years. I have questioned whether it is fair to him that we married in the midst of such grief. I do know I didn’t believe I was capable of the love and respect I have for him. He is a true blessing who I’m not sure I am worthy of. I know one thing, Alex would love him, and she would approve! I hope she knows, I think she does!

My friends have been so very important since the accident. I am so blessed by the women in my life, who walked the hospitalization, day after day. One friend took the first four days off from work to stay with me. One of them came and stayed with me for a month to take care of me. Another friend took my oldest daughter to her post rehab doctor appointments. Three weeks after Alex died, two of my friends were in the room when my youngest daughter had her baby, I have one friend who has been steadfast since Alex died. She would acknowledge how difficult Tuesday’s were for the first six months, then the 31st of the month; Anniversaries, Angelversaries, birthdays and holidays. Some of my friendships have changed dramatically. Two of my very best friends in the world died after Alex’s death. Another very close friend disappeared. I have been reacquainted with old friends, so friendships have been an interesting and painful experience as well. I am much better at not taking it personally that people disappeared.

As the Fourth Anniversary looms ahead of us, I can say that the intensity of the sneaker waves that hit aren’t as debilitating today as they were in the first three years. I am still struck with those gut wrenching, unbelievable moments that I cannot fathom that Alex isn’t here, that she went through such a horrible two months in a coma. I don’t have the need today to write about the details of those two months. It might be time to write about Landria’s horrific journey of recovery. She is still recovering and has a lifetime of healing in a way that is unique to the rest of us. Somehow, God continues to give me the strength and courage to face each day. I believe He does this through Alex.

Difficult Time of Year

Posted on by Nina E Boone

babygirl2This time of year has been very difficult since my daughter died, almost three years ago. Three years ago, we were fighting to save her life. We had so much Hope that she would wake up, and come back to us. When they first told us she would never be the same, I didn’t get it. I thought it meant the experience would transform her emotionally and mentally. It didn’t take long for me to understand they meant physically. I accepted that, as long as she could wake up. They told us that because she was young, her chances were better of surviving. If she still hadn’t woken up at 6 weeks, then her chances were slim of coming out of it. At that point, they hadn’t done an MRI, so we didn’t really know the extent of her brain injuries. I will never forget the meeting where the doctor told us her midbrain was gone. I didn’t get it, I asked him, “you mean, not coming back?” He confirmed this, which meant, no hope for her to come back to us. If she were to recover at all, it would be in veg. state. My baby, 17 years old, a senior in high school was going to either die or lay there for the rest of her life hooked up to feeding tubes and IV’s to give her the massive amounts of various meds to keep her alive. They had to feed her 20,000 calories a day for her to maintain. The storming and posturing was like running a marathon 24/7. She weighed 96 pounds when she died. We made the decision to let her go be with God. I continue to struggle with my Faith, as it was completely torn apart when she died. I wanted to die, I needed to die.
The last three years have been a fight to heal my Faith, and try to live in a way that would honor my daughter, and not disrespect her in any way. I have tried grief counseling, I have gone to twelve step meetings for 23 years, which have saved my life. I recently attended a couple Compassionate Friends meetings.
This last Summer, I got married to a wonderful guy. I never thought I would even want to do that, let alone be capable of letting someone close enough to me to get married. He has had to watch me suffer, and has been very caring and supportive. I know it has been difficult for him, and my other kids. I could write a whole segment on my other kids’ journey, and how they have given me a reason to keep going.
My son is a Senior now, which has been scary. He is right where Alex was when she died. Two days ago, a girl in his class committed suicide. Another tragedy in this small community. This is the second student who took her life since Alex died from his school. I feel utterly powerless with how to help anyone, including my son. So much death and tragedy. Two of my best friends died tragically since Alex died as well. My mother took her life when I was 11. So here I am, not going to work, in my pj’s, writing this blog, which I’m sure is utterly depressing. I have to say that writing has been a huge coping skill since the accident. I haven’t been writing as much, as I get tired of own rants. It is important to release this though. I fear I will have a break down if I don’t. My husband has encouraged me to take care of myself, and told me with everything that happened, it is okay to not be strong and march on. I have always tried my best since a little girl to be tough, and not let circumstances defeat me. Thank you to my husband and kids who give me a reason to pick up the pieces of my shattered soul and continue on.