Fifth Anniversary of the Accident

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imageFive years ago was our last day with Alex before the accident. It was also a Sunday, which was a quiet lazy day. Alex played on the computer, while I took a nap, which is one of many regrets I carry with me. She came upstairs and laid her head in my lap, and asked me to pluck her eyebrows. I will always remember how she would make me stop after each hair,  and rub her eye as she said “ouch!” That day she was supposed to go to her Dads’ for school, but decided to stay the night and drive to school in the morning. We did not check the weather report that night or the next morning. We didn’t know how icy it was. If only they would taken my car; if only I would have driven; if only the school district would delayed school; if only her dad would have called to warn us about the ice; if only she would gone to her Dads’ when she originally planned; if only Landria would have driven slower; if only the lady in front of them would have put her flashers on so they would have seen her; if only I would have made different choices that led to her going to school in a different town. The list could gone on forever.
None of the what if’s and blame assignments I have given out will bring her back or change anything. The person I blame the most is myself, next would be her Dad. We were her parents, and we failed her in so many ways. He should have called her that morning, as he was up and out of the house before she ever left for school. This bit of blame is new for me. I came up this one a few months ago. He and I are not on good terms. We came together during her 8 weeks in the hospital, but it has been a struggle the last 4 years.

My daughter who was driving the car and I are estranged. She and I struggle with so many issues. I have my own limitations from before this happened. I have tried very hard to do better and be better since I became a mother. I have made many mistakes, but have never given up, even when I wanted to, which came only too often. I never thought I would survive the death of one of my children. I have often felt like I lost two children since the accident.

Forgiveness is so important, yet I am not sure I am ready. I really have this desire, as I know unforgiveness impairs the ability to heal. Perhaps, I feel it would be a betrayal to Alex, which I am sure is the case. I believe this is a thinking error that I cannot change at this point. Whether it is a choice or incapability, I’m not ready, not now.

This has been the most painful five years of my life, including the death of my mother at the age of 12.
Five years without Alexandra Makenzie, my Grace child, my binky girl, my love child, who loved and forgave, who tried to make peace, who took the backseat, even when should have been upfront and center, I will continue to trudge forward and be better and do better. I will do my best to carry her legacy forward, which is to love and do my best.

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4 thoughts on “Fifth Anniversary of the Accident

    • Nina E Boone

      Thank you. I believe I will. I do have moments and even days of peace. The anniversary of the accident and her death bring up many feelings. I appreciate your concern.

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  1. Dear Nina, I sit here holding you close in my heart and sending up a little prayer for you and for Alex, and for your family.

    Regrets are so hard, and finding forgiveness in a broken heart seems impossible, especially when you most need to forgive yourself.

    If you can trust that someday, somehow, you just might be able to consider even the idea that you could begin to forgive yourself… well, then you will have come a long way toward that happening. You’re not there, until you are.

    And that is okay.

    I work through similar thoughts each day as I look at the shambles of my own life and family. Sometimes I’m the only real compassion I can seem to find for myself. It’s a place to begin.

    Much Love, Nina.

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    • Nina E Boone

      Thank you for your response. It is difficult to share my writing when what comes out is less than inspirational. I appreciate your compassion, without a thread of judgement. I judge myself so harshly that I pick up on the slightest hint of it. Self compassion is so important..thank you for writing. Much love to you too, Melissa.

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