It has been awhile since I posted anything. I have been trying to enjoy my time with the baby and kids. Today it has been ten weeks since Alex passed away. It feels like I am standing on the shoreline, and Alex is sailing away in a ship..never to see one another again. It is really too much to fathom this idea, yet it enters my mind and heart all the time. I finally ordered the Book, Why Do Bad Things Happen To Good People? So far, the concept that sometimes bad things happen..not because God is trying punish us or teach us something..and it isn’t God’s fault. When well intended people try to offer soothing explanations by saying things happen for a greater purpose, it really doesn’t soothe the person’s broken heart at all. The author validates this, as he lost his son at 14 from the disease that accelerates the aging process ( can’t remember the name of it). He also uses several examples of other individual’s tragedies, and the consensus was that there really isn’t an explanation that helps, except that God didn’t cause it, but He helps us with the survival of the tragedy. This is a concept that I can buy in to. I think it is Human Nature to want to place the blame on someone or something when tragedy strikes..anything to make sense of it. I believe it is part of the process. I have glimpses of moving past the point of needing to pin the blame on anyone. Last week, I made the mistake of viewing the video of the car after the accident, as ABC was there immediately after the accident. I saw that Alex’s airbag didn’t deploy, and my heart dropped. This car had a reconstructed title, so there is no way to blame Honda for this malfunction. It put a whole different spin on the cause, etc. on what happened, which is something I have to try to not envision. When I drive to Philomath, this seems to involuntarily fill my head with what the girls and Rylan must have experienced. I have had many questions, and when we realized what Alex’s condition really was, Rob and I both questioned if she was gone at the scene of the accident. So many questions that may never have a definitive answer. I still talk to her every morning and before I go to bed. This is very painful, as it really hits home that she is gone, and I won’t talk to her face to face..maybe ever.
You see, I have taken a break from writing because it is so deep and possibly depressing that I just couldn’t bring myself to pour all this out. It has helped so much, so here I am back at the keyboard.
I am having a difficult time not feeling abandoned by some people in my life. I have to remember that people have their own lives and issues they are facing. Perhaps I am being allowed to grieve more in a private fashion. I hope that if someone I am close ( or anyone that I cross paths with) to ever experiences the loss of their child that I can pass my experience on to them.
Eli has a track meet tomorrow, so I am going to watch him..I hope he enjoys the experience.
Hope and baby are doing well. I talked to Landria, and she is doing well in Vegas..seems to like the climate their better than Oregon..who can blame her? Rylan is still in North Dakota..he fell down and now has a black eye. Poor baby! I know he enjoys playing with his little friends out on the playground, but I hate to think of him getting hurt.
I will continue reading to unscramble my thoughts and gain some sort of peace with this unacceptable loss. I miss Alex so much…
I attended Eli’s track meet this afternoon. He did well for not having any experience or much practice. I have to say that it was difficult being at Eli and Alex’s school. One thing that gave me comfort, there was a huge double rainbow as we looked out from the stands. I am not sure if I can attend what would have been Alex’s graduation, but it isn’t until June, so I will not project what I may or may not be ready for at that point. I am learning to accept what I am ready for..I keep wanting to get on with things and trudge through everything..I am going to slow down..there is enough time for letting go of more of her things and showing up at the school where it is one more reminder that she is no longer here. How difficult this must be for her brother, friends and step-sisters; my heart goes out to all of you..Alex loved you and I am sure wants you to enjoy the rest of your Senior year. My heart also goes out to her sisters..I know their journeys through their grief is individual and unique, but still valid and deserves compassion and understanding. I lack this at times with my own grief and issues with what has happened. Rylan is so young that I don’t believe it has affected him like it would have if he were older. I have many friends who were like family to Alex, and I know it is painful for them as well. I am grateful for some of my cousins who have reached out to me through all of this..and last but NOT least, Gramps..he had such a special relationship with Alex, as did Rob. Still missing her..
- With Tragedy, the Rest is Distraction (drewdowns.net)