Reconciling the Decision We Made

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Today it has been 9 weeks since Alex passed away. It feels like it just happened. I continue to put one foot in front of the other, as what choice do I have? I don’t even know what to post anymore, and this is sad because it has been such a useful tool for me to cope with the grief. I try to remember all the happy times with her, and post as many pictures that I can find to remember her…I feel I need to do more than this, as it not sustaining me anymore. To feel a disconnection with God is very difficult, as I have relied so heavily on this relationship for such a long time. I do not blame God for what happened to the girls, but I guess it is hard for me to trust Him now. We prayed and prayed for a Miracle..the Miracle we wanted and this didn’t happen. I knew this was a possibility, yet I was so desperate, I was willing to take this chance. I am sure I just need to work this out with God, and trust that He knew what he was doing. Or, maybe it wasn’t Him at all, after all, we made the decision to take her off life support..this creates problems for me, as I have a lot of guilt..like I gave up on her. The entire team of doctors told us we made the right decision, but I will forever wish she was here..selfish? Probably, as now she is free, without having to suffer.
Off to work to pretend all is okay in the world.
More later…

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More Pain, Another Day…

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Time is of the essence…I know this is the only thing that will help us to adjust to life without Alex. Each day is so different..at times, it is overwhelming, and can’t escape the plaguing thoughts and feelings about our tremendous loss. I am feeling like all I do is say the same things over and over again. I don’t know if and when this will ever be something her Dad, brother and sisters and friends can ever accept..I doubt it. I know we are only a little over 7 weeks into this since she died, but it seems like an eternity. This is not the way life was supposed to be. I used to complain and feel sorry for myself because of the difficulties I have experienced from being a single parent for so long. I want to take all of that back. I wouldn’t trade any of those struggles for the world. Alex brought a lot of love and joy to my life from the time she was born. She took her time getting here, as she was two weeks overdue. Landria got chicken pox right around Alex’s due date, so it was a good thing that she was overdue. I had a hard time with postpartum depression after she was born, but it was never because of Alex. I loved her so much from the time she was born. When she would look up at me as I nursed her, she had so much love and light that poured out of her from her beautiful eyes. She slept with Rob and I until she was a toddler, as she wanted to be close..good thing Hope was the opposite and hated to be snuggled close after being fed. So funny how children can be so different when they come from the same parents. They each bring something different to the world, and that is part of why it is difficult to accept she is gone. She brought so much reason, love and spirit to our family. I miss her interactions with her friends and family. Watching her grow up into the young woman that she became was a true blessing. I do feel robbed of being able to watch her continue her journey into adult hood. She wanted to be a mom..although, she had a more realistic view of what this all entailed, so she wasn’t in any hurry. I know she would have done great things in her life if her life wouldn’t have been cut short. My hope is that she is still doing great things, even if it isn’t here on Earth. I want to believe that she an Angel, doing God’s work. I imagine that she visiting regularly with all our family who preceded her in death. I have some of the most wonderful memories with both sets of my grandparents, Great Aunts and Great Uncles and my mom. I pray that she is receiving that love from all of them, and comforting her if she needs it. I am sure that we are the ones who need comforting, as she most likely at peace and no longer suffering the way she did in her last couple of months here.
Thank you for being so patient with me as I process all of this on such public forum. I am starting to feel like perhaps I need to stop doing this..I know it has helped me tremendously throughout this journey, but I certainly do not want to continuously bum people out on a daily basis. I would completely understand if any of you would like to hide my stuff from your page. Not that you need me to tell you this..
Landon is not adjusting to formula at all. I feel bad for the little fellow. He is getting bigger..he has breast milk jaundice, so they wanted her to take him off for a couple of days.
Rylan is going to North Dakota for a month to be with his Dad. Landria is planning to move to Las Vegas. Life is ever changing.
Eli is not enjoying track..he keeps hurting himself, and I think it is harder on the body than swimming. I remember having shin splints every season.
I am having a difficult time going to work, as I am just so sad…I hate trying to act as if..it takes a lot of energy, but I am doing it anyway..at least to the best of my ability. I am getting caught up..will take a while, but I have been doing my job for almost 4 years, so it comes naturally. I hope everyone has a good blustery day. It is March, but it still seems like Winter.
One of my best friends is coming to stay the night this weekend. We went to beauty school together..we used to have so much fun together. We went to Mexico with my grandma and her friend…we drove them crazy. 🙂 She and I have reconnected through all of this, and it has helped, as she is a positive person, who I have a lot of history with. Thank you Michelle! I am also grateful for all my friends who have been here through thick and thin for the last several years. It has been quite a journey..one never knows what is around the corner.
More later…

March 6, 2012

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My first day back to work was better than I anticipated. I have a lot of paper work to catch up on. They did really well with organizing my piles so I could tell what needed to be done. I am so sad with moving forward..it seems like it means that I am leaving Alex behind. I know that people may think that I’m not, but it sure feels that way. I think that is why it is so natural to struggle with getting stuck in grief..it almost feels like that is the only thing that may keep the connection alive. I experienced this with my mom. I had to work really hard for several years in order to feel safe enough to let more of my grief evolve, and trust that I would still be connected to her without that pain. I also have had to not feel guilty about surviving longer in life and having a different type of life. I just don’t know how to quite make sense of the loss of Alex. There doesn’t seem to be anything good about it. Was she spared from something more horrific in her future than this? I don’t believe God orchestrated any of this. I believe He protected her and us through all of this. But I am not so sure I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe that is a saying people say to either make themselves feel better about an unacceptable situation or Hope that there is a reason somewhere out the fourth dimension to explain why these senseless, painful tragic thing happen to people. So many people loose their children..some loose more than one in a lifetime. I have read so many people’s stories about their children who have died. It is an unnatural phenomenon. It creates more heartbreak and uproots ones entire belief system, only to have to find some way to find a new belief system that makes sense in a new dimension that is almost unrecognizable. Who I am now is not the same..I do not see life or even God in the same way. I have some work to do with my feelings toward God. I am just so upset with him..I haven’t given up on Him, and I do believe He is taking care of Alex. I am just not entirely positive what He is doing with any of us, and wish he would have made it possible for her to stay with us and also be a semblance of who she was prior to the accident. I haven’t posted any pictures of the service until today. I was reluctant to do so..not sure how I feel about it now. I love finding new photos..thank you to everyone who finds pictures they have of Alex who send them to me or post them.
More later…

Feb. 20, 2012

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After arriving early, Landon had to stay in the nursery the first night to be monitored closely. He is doing really well, even with some minor medical issues. He has a very big voice for being so little. He looks just like Hope did..lots of dark hair. He has to stay at least a few more days to ensure his eating abilities are in place. Hope is doing well with adapting to motherhood. She has really strong mother instincts.
Landon’s birthday is in between Landria’ and Alex’s birthdays, which were a week a part. Alex will be 18 this Friday. It is so sad that she is not here with us to enjoy the arrival of her nephew, Hope’s son. It feels like every thing is connected to my grief and sadness about losing Alex. I do not want to accept that is she in Heaven, as I want her to come back to be with us. It took me over 30 years to accept that my mom wasn’t coming back. I never grieved her death in a healthy way until I was in my mid twenties though. I just never wanted to have to go through losing a child..who would.  I am so happy about Landon, but so confused because it only has been 3 weeks since Alex died.  I know that she would be the awesome Auntie to him as she was to Rylan.  Eli and Rob have slight colds, so they had to miss being with Landon today. Hopefully, they will be better so they can come see him in the hospital.  Hope and Landon will probably get to go home by the weekend.  I know he will bring a lot of  joy to all of us who are so sad without Alex. I hope she is doing well in Heaven. I sound crazy when I say things like that, but I really need to believe she is happy and at peace. I still can’t believe she is gone and that she had to go through what she endured after the accident. I still have a hard time talking to God since she died. I needed him to cure her, not heal her by taking her. I know it is not his fault..I just wish I could understand why this happened to her, when there so many other crummy people still out there hurting people.