Feb. 20, 2012

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After arriving early, Landon had to stay in the nursery the first night to be monitored closely. He is doing really well, even with some minor medical issues. He has a very big voice for being so little. He looks just like Hope did..lots of dark hair. He has to stay at least a few more days to ensure his eating abilities are in place. Hope is doing well with adapting to motherhood. She has really strong mother instincts.
Landon’s birthday is in between Landria’ and Alex’s birthdays, which were a week a part. Alex will be 18 this Friday. It is so sad that she is not here with us to enjoy the arrival of her nephew, Hope’s son. It feels like every thing is connected to my grief and sadness about losing Alex. I do not want to accept that is she in Heaven, as I want her to come back to be with us. It took me over 30 years to accept that my mom wasn’t coming back. I never grieved her death in a healthy way until I was in my mid twenties though. I just never wanted to have to go through losing a child..who would.  I am so happy about Landon, but so confused because it only has been 3 weeks since Alex died.  I know that she would be the awesome Auntie to him as she was to Rylan.  Eli and Rob have slight colds, so they had to miss being with Landon today. Hopefully, they will be better so they can come see him in the hospital.  Hope and Landon will probably get to go home by the weekend.  I know he will bring a lot of  joy to all of us who are so sad without Alex. I hope she is doing well in Heaven. I sound crazy when I say things like that, but I really need to believe she is happy and at peace. I still can’t believe she is gone and that she had to go through what she endured after the accident. I still have a hard time talking to God since she died. I needed him to cure her, not heal her by taking her. I know it is not his fault..I just wish I could understand why this happened to her, when there so many other crummy people still out there hurting people.

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