We made it through Alex’s birthday okay. My friend Jet suggested we take ballons to one of Alex’s fav. spots and release them for her. We went to Mary’s River and wished her a Happy Birthday. It was sad, but I felt it was a way to honor her turning 18. I never did hang out with her there, as she usually escaped the heat there when she was with her Dad. Since we have a pool, that is where we hung out during the Summer months. I am not even going to think about how that will be without her. I wish I wouldn’t have postponed our trip to Boston..we wouldn’t have been around for her to be traveling to school that morning. I know it doesn’t accomplish anything by wishing the past events would have been different to avoid what happened. I do believe that is not out of the ordinary when tragic things happen. I avoid driving down that road as much as I can. I have stopped when this first happened to examine the spot where they crashed..it gave me an eerie feeling, so I choose to stay away from it. Rob and Jeanne’ have to travel that road frequently, and I am sure it is difficult for them. I stopped over at their place yesterday so Hope could change Landon, etc. It was good to see Jeanne’ and the girls..I went from seeing most of them everyday to not at all. I wonder if being connected during such a difficult time brings all of that back for most people. It certainly can create a type of bond that is difficult to explain or describe. I am very grateful that Rob, Jeanne’ and I worked so well together to ensure Alex was receiving the best care humanly and Spiritually possible. I am not sure if I have shared that Alex was Baptized prior to her passing. It was a powerful experience, and I am so grateful that this took place. She was dedicated as a baby, but had not made the decision to be Baptized as a young adult. So many things she had not discovered for herself yet. I believe she is having the chance to discover so many things that we don’t even have the capability to do on Earth. This does bring some comfort, as I still have such a strong connection to her as her mother. She believed I was over protective..I probably was..I seemed to have a hard time allowing my kids to grow up, and trust that they could make it though their own life lessons. I know I am done yet! With Hope being a teen mom, there are many lessons yet to come. I have to continue to allow her to be the mom, and trust that she has good instincts. With having four kids, it is difficult for me to keep my mouth shut. Fortunately, the things I need to be quiet about are minor, or I would have to speak up. There is a fine line to draw in this situation. Being a grandparent is a joyful experience, but it also can cause a lot of worry..
Eli is about to start Track, and I think it will be a good distraction for all of us. He is here for the weekend, and I am so happy about this. I have missed him so much. I know he needs me right now, as he is so sad about Alex. We all are..Landria is doing okay physically. I know there is a long road for her with all the other aspects of this situation, and the changes and limitations she has from her injuries. I have to say though, she has healed miraculously. Such mixed emotions all over the board with all of this. I just wish so much that everyone would have survived this tragic moment. I don’t think losing someone suddenly or over a prolonged period make it easier either way. I haven’t had any kind of meaningful conversation since Dec. 4, so I guess some may have the perspective that we lost her on Dec. 5. Does it matter? I guess that is a Subjective answer, as everyone has experienced this internally, a bit differently. Those differences combined are why we all worked together to do what was best..we held each other up when each of us wavered in strength. I appreciate all the people, who have strong Spiritual Health that showed up to encourage us in that way. I have never prayed or been closer to God in my entire life. I must get back to that, and not blame God for not healing Alex the way I wanted Him to. He can handle this though, and I know He understands this. He gave all of us the strength to endure the process of losing her. Some of this is lip service, but it has to have a beginning, and I believe saying it out loud can start the process of reconnecting with God. I was concerned about this prior to her passing, that I would turn my back on God, the very entity that gave me the strength to survive the whole process of all the girls going though various types and degrees of medical crises. Well, this is turning into a book so…
More later…