June 22, 2012

Standard

Life is marching forward without Alex, or so it seems. I have her love and memories with me as I continue to get up each day to face what may come, which is always full of unpredictable flashes of pain from the reality that she is really gone. I listen to music in my car, which really triggers memories of her. The memories are a blessing, but I have to say, they also bring a certain amount of sadness with them. I still experience shock when I snap back into the realization of what has happened to her. I see a lot of youth that are not making very good choices in their lives, and I wonder, why Alex? Not that I would ever wish an early or tragic death on anyone. I just wish it wouldn’t have been Alexandra. To realize that life is not a sure thing, and that “random” bad things do happen to good people. It isn’t something I can explain by saying that “God has plan”..I don’t buy that concept anymore.. not when it comes to rationalizing tragedy.  I am still re-establishing trust and understanding of God. Whether I intellectually recognize that Although, He did not cause Alex’s accident or death,  the distrust I have toward Him is still there. This loss has left a big hole in  my life after  relying on  God for the last 21 years. I have Hope that this is just part of the process,  and I am redefining my spiritual beliefs with how this all fits in my life. To think that I will just be lost for the rest of my life is awful. For whatever reason, God has created me as a survivor..I have always had a type of strength that I am grateful for. I just wish it wasn’t necessary to always be so strong. To  relax and not worry about what is around the corner would be nice.  Maybe most people feel this way. I know everyone has things to overcome and come to terms with in life. That is part of the human condition. We are all works in progress until we die. I don’t know if the purpose of life on Earth is training to develop into higher spiritual beings, but it sure isn’t easy. It would be nice to believe that it has a purpose, other than just to struggle. I know some people have very strong religious convictions..I just don’t buy into the idea that it is all so black and white. The saying, “Spirituality is for people who been to Hell, and Religion is for people who afraid of going to Hell”…I think there is some truth to this. People have to find their own truths in life, and I am not in a position to shove any of my beliefs down someones’ throat. I am just trying to figure it out, which is how I have always been. I may never achieve this, but it keeps me going to seek my truth and understanding of life. Alex did not get a chance to grow into her own beliefs and understanding spiritually. I so looked forward to watching her bloom into the woman I know she would have grown to be. I will miss her babies, her wedding, her college graduation, etc. When the realization of this hits, which it does on a regular basis, I really feel she got ripped off. I watch what her friends are experiencing right now, and it isn’t fair! She should have gotten to enjoy these times as well. She worked hard for this. Self pity? Pity for her? Maybe..but, it is part of the process to feel angry and jealous of what could have been for her. I think many people believe that this isn’t healthy, but a person cannot choose which part of the process they want and discard the rest. It is all important to walk through. I only dealt with anger and self- pity when my mom died. I ended up drinking and doing other self-destructive behaviors to deal with my unresolved grief. My grief was waiting patiently until I was ready to deal with it. There is no way around it! Recovery in a 12 Step program has enabled me to grow spiritually and somehow prepare me to survive this loss. I hate that…but, maybe it is true.

More later…

Advertisements