Another Step in the Grief Process

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Happy Spring! Not! I can’t believe the snow. Just packed up the rest of Alex’s clothes. Made me so sad. All the memories of her wearing them, and the thought process that goes with the that she doesn’t need them any longer. This makes her being gone feel so much more real. Seeing that a few of her favorite shirts are gone, like her Boston shirt that we got last time we went..makes me wonder where they are. It isn’t the clothes themselves..it is that they were Alexs’. I suppose I have bigger fish to fry than worrying about it. I plan on asking her two best friends to take what they want..she was so tiny that they won’t fit any of us here..Eli probably wouldn’t wear them either. 🙂 I know this is just part of the process, but it sure feels awful.
I got to babysit Rylan today while Hopee went to work. It was a pleasure. He is such an easy baby. He is sure looking around at everything now. He hates having his clothes or diaper changed..that is when he really cries..the rest of the time he just kind of squeaks. He is eating so much more than he was at first. He and Hopee are going to Seattle for a few days to see my stepdad and his wife, Tia. Jenny, Tia’s daughter is coming to get her tomorrow..hope the weather is okay for her to drive down here. I am very grateful to have all of them in our lives. They have been so supportive, loving and helpful through all of this.
Landria made it to Vegas..they rented a house, so I guess she is really moving there. I hope she likes it there. The house is about 15 miles outside of the city, so that makes me feel better about it.
My first counseling appointment since Alex died went okay. I hate going, as it is so painful. I have learned through other work I have done that only way to get to the other side of something is to walk through it. There are no shortcuts or diversions if I want to get through this time in a healthy manner. I am not saying I wouldn’t like either of those things..I would! It only prolongs the inevitable though. My therapist did say that I can only feel so much at one time though, so walking around like a zombie is okay as much as I need to. He also said that I am moving forward..so that made me feel like at least I am not stuck in this process.
Hope everyone drives safely out there. I am afraid to drive, more so because of what happened to the girls, as it was foggy and icy when it happened. I lived in Alaska for a year, so I know how to drive in it, but not a lot of people here seem very experienced with these conditions..rightly so, we don’t get this kind of weather very often. Be careful if you have to drive anywhere!
More later…

More Pain, Another Day…

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Time is of the essence…I know this is the only thing that will help us to adjust to life without Alex. Each day is so different..at times, it is overwhelming, and can’t escape the plaguing thoughts and feelings about our tremendous loss. I am feeling like all I do is say the same things over and over again. I don’t know if and when this will ever be something her Dad, brother and sisters and friends can ever accept..I doubt it. I know we are only a little over 7 weeks into this since she died, but it seems like an eternity. This is not the way life was supposed to be. I used to complain and feel sorry for myself because of the difficulties I have experienced from being a single parent for so long. I want to take all of that back. I wouldn’t trade any of those struggles for the world. Alex brought a lot of love and joy to my life from the time she was born. She took her time getting here, as she was two weeks overdue. Landria got chicken pox right around Alex’s due date, so it was a good thing that she was overdue. I had a hard time with postpartum depression after she was born, but it was never because of Alex. I loved her so much from the time she was born. When she would look up at me as I nursed her, she had so much love and light that poured out of her from her beautiful eyes. She slept with Rob and I until she was a toddler, as she wanted to be close..good thing Hope was the opposite and hated to be snuggled close after being fed. So funny how children can be so different when they come from the same parents. They each bring something different to the world, and that is part of why it is difficult to accept she is gone. She brought so much reason, love and spirit to our family. I miss her interactions with her friends and family. Watching her grow up into the young woman that she became was a true blessing. I do feel robbed of being able to watch her continue her journey into adult hood. She wanted to be a mom..although, she had a more realistic view of what this all entailed, so she wasn’t in any hurry. I know she would have done great things in her life if her life wouldn’t have been cut short. My hope is that she is still doing great things, even if it isn’t here on Earth. I want to believe that she an Angel, doing God’s work. I imagine that she visiting regularly with all our family who preceded her in death. I have some of the most wonderful memories with both sets of my grandparents, Great Aunts and Great Uncles and my mom. I pray that she is receiving that love from all of them, and comforting her if she needs it. I am sure that we are the ones who need comforting, as she most likely at peace and no longer suffering the way she did in her last couple of months here.
Thank you for being so patient with me as I process all of this on such public forum. I am starting to feel like perhaps I need to stop doing this..I know it has helped me tremendously throughout this journey, but I certainly do not want to continuously bum people out on a daily basis. I would completely understand if any of you would like to hide my stuff from your page. Not that you need me to tell you this..
Landon is not adjusting to formula at all. I feel bad for the little fellow. He is getting bigger..he has breast milk jaundice, so they wanted her to take him off for a couple of days.
Rylan is going to North Dakota for a month to be with his Dad. Landria is planning to move to Las Vegas. Life is ever changing.
Eli is not enjoying track..he keeps hurting himself, and I think it is harder on the body than swimming. I remember having shin splints every season.
I am having a difficult time going to work, as I am just so sad…I hate trying to act as if..it takes a lot of energy, but I am doing it anyway..at least to the best of my ability. I am getting caught up..will take a while, but I have been doing my job for almost 4 years, so it comes naturally. I hope everyone has a good blustery day. It is March, but it still seems like Winter.
One of my best friends is coming to stay the night this weekend. We went to beauty school together..we used to have so much fun together. We went to Mexico with my grandma and her friend…we drove them crazy. 🙂 She and I have reconnected through all of this, and it has helped, as she is a positive person, who I have a lot of history with. Thank you Michelle! I am also grateful for all my friends who have been here through thick and thin for the last several years. It has been quite a journey..one never knows what is around the corner.
More later…

Feb. 24, 2012- Alex’s 18th Birthday

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  1. I cannot believe Alex would be 18 today and that she is gone. I do not accept this. I know I do not have a choice but to eventually move into acceptance, but I don’t know if I can…My heart hurts so much that I just don’t know at times how to keep breathing. I know other parents survive the loss of a child…but that isn’t comforting at this point. There is absolutely nothing another human being can do to bring her back or change what happened, and that is the only thing that will take this away. 17 and a Senior in High School..just got a 4 point..not right at all. The only thing that really helps is to write and read books about grief..specifically about loosing children. I cannot even fully enjoy my new grandson..my other grandson Rylan is spending the night, and I have to say that having him over made me feel a little more normal. He gives me a lot of joy..he is so sweet. We played catch with JC, a friend of our family, and he kept throwing the ball to me so I was included..so cute. I have received a couple of messages this evening that made me feel something other than sadness..that was a good thing. When I just opened my FB page, I saw a reminder for Alex’s birthday, and I was completely thrown off..felt a slug in the throat. I didn’t realize it was after midnight, so I wasn’t expecting it. I still write little comments on her page. It means a lot to see her friends posting things as well. I have stolen a couple of songs and put them on my page. Very sad, but appropriate.
    Have to take Landon to have his Jaundice checked in the morning. We did bring him home today, and he and Hope did very well. Hope was concerned that he was looking a bit more yellow, so she called. She has good mother instincts. I am amazed at how young she, yet she seems to be a natural. I know it won’t be easy, but we will get through…
    More later…