Feb. 24, 2012- Alex’s 18th Birthday

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  1. I cannot believe Alex would be 18 today and that she is gone. I do not accept this. I know I do not have a choice but to eventually move into acceptance, but I don’t know if I can…My heart hurts so much that I just don’t know at times how to keep breathing. I know other parents survive the loss of a child…but that isn’t comforting at this point. There is absolutely nothing another human being can do to bring her back or change what happened, and that is the only thing that will take this away. 17 and a Senior in High School..just got a 4 point..not right at all. The only thing that really helps is to write and read books about grief..specifically about loosing children. I cannot even fully enjoy my new grandson..my other grandson Rylan is spending the night, and I have to say that having him over made me feel a little more normal. He gives me a lot of joy..he is so sweet. We played catch with JC, a friend of our family, and he kept throwing the ball to me so I was included..so cute. I have received a couple of messages this evening that made me feel something other than sadness..that was a good thing. When I just opened my FB page, I saw a reminder for Alex’s birthday, and I was completely thrown off..felt a slug in the throat. I didn’t realize it was after midnight, so I wasn’t expecting it. I still write little comments on her page. It means a lot to see her friends posting things as well. I have stolen a couple of songs and put them on my page. Very sad, but appropriate.
    Have to take Landon to have his Jaundice checked in the morning. We did bring him home today, and he and Hope did very well. Hope was concerned that he was looking a bit more yellow, so she called. She has good mother instincts. I am amazed at how young she, yet she seems to be a natural. I know it won’t be easy, but we will get through…
    More later…
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6 thoughts on “Feb. 24, 2012- Alex’s 18th Birthday

  1. Kimberly

    I check in often to read Nina. Not that it, in itself can bring comfort, but your day to day living ia being breathed into many hearts. I feel stunned when I think of you. Unimaginable. My heart aches because yours is broken… I hope that there was a small capacity in you to see my eyes when I looked at you the other day. They are the window to the soul and they communicated what my words couldn’t. If there was ever a prayer from me to God for His grace, it is for you.

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    • At times, I am at a loss of words when people respond with such deep felt words. I appreciate it doesn’t seem adequate to describe how it touches my heart. It feels like a balm that covers the broken heart that I have from losing my Alex. She really was all of ours, not just mine. She is a child of God, and I am trying to reach for the strength from God to accept this. I have never really understood that my children are really on loan, not really mine. I don’t know if this makes sense, but I feel this deeply within my soul at this moment. I wish that would stay with me, as I know it is a type of comfort that helps me to know that she is with God, and he taking care of her. I read some pages out of that book you sent me last night. I felt comforted in way that I haven’t experienced since Alex died. I thank you for that. I have struggled spiritually for a long time..since I divorced Rob, and probably prior to that as well. Some day, I have Hope that this whole experience will shape me into the person God intended me to be. I do not know if I belong in the group anymore..it feels like I am a fish out of water. It is possible that I would feel like that anywhere I go. Thank you for reaching out to me. I do appreciate and value this, even if those words are inadequate to convey what I really feel.
      Nina

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      • Nina, you probably feel like a fish out of your life and that is totally understandable! I am not at all trying to sway you either way; just know that there are people there who truly love you! I just want to hug you and love on you!! I love you!!

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