Bittersweet

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I Have always considered myself a skeptic about the after life. Looking back on my childhood, I wonder if that is true. I believed in ghosts and spirits, which caused me to spend a great deal of time being afraid as a child. Since my daughter, Alex died, I have been desperate to believe she isn’t really gone. My intellect constantly battles with my spirit. There have been many incidents and signs that she is near by.

Two days in a row, there was a white feather on both shirts that were freshly laundered at different times. I know the feathers weren’t there before. I always say hi to her when this happens. I picture her by my side. Today, I am still in my robe, as I feel such deep sorrow and pain. I miss her so very much. It feels like all the chapters of her 17 years got ripped out.

The only thing I know, is that the intensity of these feelings will pass. I want to continue to receive signs, even if they are just random coincidences. Often, memories and signs are painful, as well as a gift. I will never have the desire or ability to forget her. My love as her mother, will always be a part of my soul. I love you Alexandra. 💕

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7 thoughts on “Bittersweet

    • Nina E Boone

      I am not sure it will ever go away completely. I have learned that my grief and sorrow can and do co-exist with happiness. I continue to struggle with guilt when I am fortunate enough to have moments of happiness.

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      • Monica Ramos

        That is the way I feel…..even if I try to be intimate with my spouse. I often wonder why am I able to feel happy when I lost two sons. The most recent wastudy 3 months ago, my Jon passed away from a rare form if leukemia. The hardest part for me is that he was so young and never got to live a full life. I really miss him….. everyday I miss him. )I DON’T understand how I can even be happy when Jon suffered so much with his battle of cancer.

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  1. Mrs Boone. I am purposely researching blogs about grief and you poignantly represented how painful it is to lose a child. I understand the pain all too well, as a horrific night nearly took both my sons. Only one survived. It may be a few days, but please feel free to explore my posts on healingdailytrauma.com

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  2. Monica Ramos

    God Bless you…. I am reading what you wrote and feel the exact pain. I too lost my only son 3 years ago and just recently lost my 1st grandson whom I raised as mine. With my grandson Jon it really hit me hard….. especially him being so young. I am always looking for signs and when we as parents have such a tremendous loss how can we not want to? I am sad everyday and question for the first time my Faith….

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    • Nina E Boone

      Monica, I am so sorry to hear that you lost your son and grandson. I question my Faith and look for sign everyday as well. I cannot imagine living through this with two or more children. I read about others who do, and make it through though. One minute, one day at a time.

      Liked by 1 person

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