I started thinking about how it must have been to be at the scene of the accident. A man pulled Alex out of the car, as he either didn’t find a pulse or was unsure if she was breathing. You see, I have been too afraid to get a copy of the accident report. I did leave a message on Facebook for the man who performed CPR on her. At first, Alex’s‘ dad was upset that someone moved her, as she had a broken pelvis and sacrum. He had to use his best judgement in a split second, during what must have been terrifying. Alex was whisked away to the hospital first. Landria was trapped in the car and Rylan was put in the ambulance. It took quite awhile to cut Landria out of the car. Later, Landria told me that when she regained consciousness, she kept calling out to Alex, with no response and Rylan was screaming. Someone came to the car and Landria was able to scream out my phone number. I will never forget that horrible phone call.
I have flash backs of all the details I saw first hand and envision the details of the accident. I do my best to push this all aside and do what is right in front of me to do. It has been almost two years, and I wonder if I will ever not do this. I think a lot of us underestimated the amount of trauma we all experienced from this. Having two daughters In ICU broken and twisted, ultimately almost killed both of them. One daughter in a coma, and the other completely broken into pieces. I remember feeling like I had to figure out who needed me most and when where and how to be. Thank God both of their dads were there. That is a blog entry in itself!
I really believe it is time for me to move on with my life. It is time for me leave this area. Geographic’s will not change what happened or my feelings of grief and loss. I do need to try to break out of the cycle I am in. I need to create new pathways in my own brain. This is a very real technique that can be used to break out of obsessive, plaguing thought patterns. Not to say it has to be what I am considering.
After writing this entry, I realized how much I needed to release these memories regularly, as they create a lot of pressure within me. I haven’t found a method to do this that feels safe. Talking about it with a therapist has been excruciating. It has helped me sort through the anger and resentment I have felt, and get closer to forgiveness for others. It is me who I have not forgiven. I believe that will be part of my journey until I die.