March 4, 2012

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Well, the weekend is coming to an end. I got out of the house for a bit today. Eli and did some yard work out in the sun, which was nice. I had company for the later part of the afternoon. A few friends and my cousins came over, as they are visiting from out of town. It was nice to visit and do a bit of crying, which I hate! I know that it is an important part of healing, but I am so afraid if Istart that I will never stop. It helps to talk about the last couple of months with people who don’t know the whole story, as I get a chance to process all that has happened. I have taken it for granted and underestimated the significance of what we have all been through. From the first discovery of the accident, to the ER, to the ICU, to regular floor for Landria, all her surgeries, rehab and more surgeries, to Alex’s Ventricular drain and brain pressure monitor being placed, her trachea surgery, being brought off the phentobarb, waiting to see if she would wake up, team meetings with doctors and nurses, process of trying to regulate the storming, CAT scans, MRI’s Mersa,
making decision about what to do, three Neurologists’ opinions and in the end death. Burial plans, service plans and the service itself. All the details in between those major points are so significant within themselves. The outcomes have been on two opposite ends of the spectrum. After sharing some of this with my cousin, it helps me to realize the powerful whirlwind of trauma and catastrophe we all really faced and continue to face. The effects of this have spilled over into so many people’s lives. So many of you, my FB friends have followed my posts through out this whole thing, and have continued to be supportive and encouraged me to keep posting..which is the only thing that seems to help me keep my feelings and thoughts from overpowering me to the point of being completely useless to anyone. I need to find a way to memorialize Alex, as I have been reading that this is what gives grief a positive way to channel and connect to the loved one who is gone. Finding a purpose to attach to so there is living breathing part of Alex that will live on in me is what I hope to find. I am so early in this process, and I know I cannot fast forward through any of it..I would really like to though. Thank you to my friends who are on my FB (and not) and my family members who have been so loving and supportive..even when I want to hide under my bed.
More later…

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5 thoughts on “March 4, 2012

  1. Kimberly

    Thoughtful words that I know aren’t planned. I know, I know in my heart that God’s grace will help you stand. Just keep breathing in and out taking in… in all that you can. I know I know in my.
    hheartstand heart…God will help you

    Like

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