Extra Hard Day


It is hard to imagine that I feel worse than I have for awhile. I thought it was supposed to get easier with time, but that is not the case. I read a statement from the Insurance company, listing all her injuries. That really hit me hard. I already knew most of it, but seeing it in black and white really made it more real. I know all the Senior celebration activities are making me think of what Alex would be experiencing also. I do not know or understand why this had to happen to her. I will probably never know any of this. I have to remember that today is just an extra difficult day, and it will hopefully pass.
Landria is leaving tomorrow for good. I hope she finds the happiness that she is seeking. Eli has called a couple of times from Georgia. He is having a really good time. I know this was a much needed break for him. I have been invited out to do things, and I just don’t feel ready or have the desire to do anything right now. I did go to the library today. I talked to a friend who has lost two kids…she was very helpful. I have always had care and concern for her, but didn’t really get it. I can’t believe she has done as well as she has. I continue on my quest to find more pictures of Alex. Rob and Jeanne’ have many that I don’t have, so I am requesting copies of all of them.
I started reading my book again, but it really didn’t seem to help. I guess feelings are meant to be felt, not ignored or stuffed. I have never been very good at allowing myself to grieve..I would rather tackle everything head on, and get over or through it. I realize this isn’t something that I can do with my feelings over losing Alex. So many people say the first two years are just like this..I hope someday, I can use my experience to help others. It isn’t something I would wish on anyone. I struggle with writing when I feel this way, as I start to question my own judgement with putting this all out there.
Tomorrow it will be 14 weeks since Alex died. It seems like longer, but doesn’t “feel” like it.
Keep on, keepin’ on…


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s