More Reflections

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Good morning. I am up way too early with the baby. Hope is having wisdom tooth issues, so I got up to take care of Landon. He is still coughing, so I am not sure it is just a virus. He really only coughs in the morning, so I don’t know…
I am still in shock that Alex is gone. I have been dreaming about her the last two nights. Last night I dreamed that she was on drugs and drinking, which is the¬†farthest from the truth about her. Sorry Alex! I told her and the friend she was with that I was telling the other girls parents.. weird. This journey of accepting the reality of all that has happened is such a mind blower..I feel like I am living in a dream. I have always had such vivid dreams, and then upon awakening, would think wow, what was that all about. This feels like that..I even thought in my dream that I should be mad at her for wrecking her car last May that way she would still be here. Crazy, huh. I would never be mad her for something so petty. I picked up one of my books yesterday. I read that so many parents put priorities in life into perspective. Prior to their children’s death, they were unable to achieve what they felt was their potential because of lack of confidence, etc. After this experience so many of them felt they grew as individuals and no longer felt that life was so scary, as they already lived through the worst nightmare they could have imagined. I have pondered this very idea myself. I believe, further into this journey, I will hopefully have more of the courage to accomplish some of my goals that I have been too afraid of. I am grateful for the job I have..the people are wonderful, but I have a degree, and it is past time to utilize this. Alex used to question why I wasn’t recognizing my full potential, so I am hoping I can be like the parents in the book I was reading. I know the alternative is let this define me for the rest of my life..I believe it will define me in a certain way..maybe just not negatively. I will never be the same person as I was..I just Hope I can Honor Alex’s memory to be the best I can be. Right now, I am the best I can be with the grief I am experiencing. It is a process that I must respect and walk through. The alternative is have it come out sideways for the rest of my life. I would rather deal with it as it hits. I know what the consequences are if I don’t..I didn’t deal with my mom’s death for many years. I was a kid with no skills, and didn’t have adults in my life with the skills to walk through it in a healthy way. They had their own grief that they had no idea how to deal with. Now I understand more of what they experienced. I have more compassion for her parents and brothers. Loss of a loved one trickles down to the whole family/friends..she had cousins that her death affected as well. My step-dad was very affected by her death..the importance of his grief was overlooked by our whole family. I did learn more from her death than I realized. Nothing can prepare one for the next loss though, especially a child.
More later…

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