Thank you to Necole Stevens for this beautiful image/poem
This poems describes how I feel and think. Life is unpredictable for sure. How do we handle success and or tragedy? Do we let it cause defeat or boast about much better we are than those not succeeding by our standards? Maybe we just do the best we can to deal with however life unfolds. I have always been a survivor. I have overcome many hardships from the time I was a little girl. Not eliciting pity, just part of of my story. I have been called tenacious, which I take as a compliment. God made me the way he knew I needed to be in order to walk through what he knew would come. I have struggled with anger and self pity because of these things, especially losing Alex. I thought for sure I would be spared from a tragedy like this as an adult. After all, I experienced enough with my mother before and after her death.
Do I trust I am done experiencing tragedy and pain? No, I really don’t. I think that is why this post from one my fave pages on FB spoke to me. I struggle with believing I will rise above my circumstances so I can live the life I’ve always dreamed of. I want to use my education, travel, not live in survival mode.
My grief, depression and self loathing gets in my way with living the life I have always hoped for. I have been told by someone who tried to help me after Alex died, that I have believed most of life that I am inherently flawed. This has been a vicious cycle. My subconscious has been there hindering my every move. The solution to all of this? Healing Spiritually is a big piece of the solution I know that much. I will continue writing, being tenacious, and yes, struggling to find my connection with God again. It is happening very slowly. I talk to Alex like I used to talk to God. So that tells me I am still seeking a spiritual connection, a connection to my Angel daughter, who I miss and love so very much.