My life reminds me of how I experienced being in labor with the kids, and changing my mind..such a powerless feeling, as there was no going back!. I knew then that only way through to the other side of the pain was to do my best and focus to get through it. At least there was a baby at the end of it to meet for the first time to love and adore. This kind of pain doesn’t have that kind of incentive, as Alex will not be coming back. I try to look at the positive aspects of trudging through this. Spiritual enlightenment, finding a way to honor Alex that she deserves, watching my other kids grow up and become the people God intends them to be, watching my Grandkids do the same, always do my best to support all of them when they need me, and become the human being that God intended for me to be so when I do meet up Alex again, I will have something for her and not just misery from her death. I worry so much about her new existence and whether she is okay or if she really is in a new dimension and not just gone. My Faith has never been so tested in my life, and it has never been so important for me to have Faith..kind of paradox of some sort. Wishing things were not this way is not working. No matter how much I pray or wish Alex was still here, she just isn’t and isn’t going to be. When my kids cry because they have the same feelings and struggles with missing her, all I can do is hug them and say I am so sorry. I know there is nothing anyone can do to take this pain or loss from us. Listening and being there is enough. Many people have a hard time hanging in there for this journey we are on. Going to work has been a blessing, as it motivates me to do my girly thing, and try to be useful for other people. My coworkers are a great bunch of people, and I am so fortunate to work where I work.
I haven’t been writing as must, as I just get weary of worrying about whether my posts are too depressing or too open. I have tried the Blog thing, but it is so much more comfortable to me to do it this way. I don’t really know what I am doing with the blog, so not a lot of people read it anyway.
My stepdad responded to post I wrote in the Rememer Alex Malcomb page, and I hope he doesn’t mind that I include it in this post.
“..I’m pretty sure in her dimension (I like that), she has been blessed without any needs, but gifts to those who loved her most. As you, she is there is there to take care of you & Rob & everyone that loved & cared for her. In my opinion she is the conduit to your higher power. She has more insight to needs. Of course u know she would what the people that brought her to earth for a very important reason. Maybe it’s tough to see clearly what the larger message of her purpose. Maybe her blessing is to look over u, allow & want ur happiness. Individually & the compounded affect of your happiness will snowball to others. You think that would be a gift that would keep on giving? Warm Alex’s heart? I think in her heavenly space, she is anxious to share the gifts with her loved ones, that she has been blessed with. Sometimes when ur feeling your worse, just may be a message, that you haven’t been able to grasp. I think it’s turn to be the caregiver for you. As in her place she no longer needs anything from loves ones. She wants you to be fulfilled with her spirit she has been blessed with to give to u the greatest gift that she can give, that would warm her the most. Grieving is important. While doing so, as grieving is all consuming, maybe u can let her get a word in about what she would want for her…”
I love what he wrote. I have a hard time tapping into anything like this these days, so it really helps me when people give me this kind of spiritual perspective or food, so to speak. He went through similar things when my mom died, and that kind of bond is rare to have..I am so grateful for him in my life.
As the holidays and anniversary of the accident draw near, I cringe and want to hide under my bed for a very long time. I wish we could just go to Mexico or somewhere completely different. I always planned on taking Alex to Mexico.. 😥 See, how all thoughts and ideas bring me right back to her. I have read that this typical of a grieving parent.
- This Grieving Mother’s Blog Touched My Heart, It Will Touch Yours… (grannyscolorful.wordpress.com)
- Grieving and the Holidays (psychologytoday.com)