Questions and Possibilities

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Wish my entire family was here. Eli is at his dads’, Lani is in Vegas and Alex is in Heaven. Life is so unpredictable…you just never know how life will end up in such a short amount of time. Medical bills still not paid because of the probate issue. I think it is crazy that she had two insurances and her bills are going to collection. Good thing we have an attorney to settle her estate, which is all bills. Any amount of money would have been worth it to take care of her. At the same time, there is no amount of money that could have saved her. Watching one of my fav. tv shows showed a guy being taken off life support and his process of dying. This made me think of our last days with Alex, and how much torture we all felt. They talked about his living will, and what his wishes were. When it is a young person, it is not that easy, as most people don’t think to ask their kids such a horrible question, and would they really be able to answer? So the hope is that the family can come together and do what is right for their child. I have many regrets about this whole thing. Of course, my main regret is that this ever happened. I wish I would have allowed more time to be sure I was okay with this decision. I put myself aside entirely and did what I thought was best for her. But I am left here with so many questions and fear that I did her wrong by agreeing to taking her off life support. Her dad and I both knew there was no good choice, as we had lost our daughter together. I did not want her to ever be afraid or feel any of what she was going through. I don’t think she did..I think God protected her from having to consciously experience any of the struggle and pain her body endured.  I know most people have moved on and are living there lives. Her friends are all off to college this year. She would be as well, but her life was cut short. Sometimes I wonder if they realize how lucky they are to have this life, or do they think she is the lucky one? I don’t know. I just wish she was with me or I was with her. I will never see her have a baby or get married…the list goes on.  Somehow, I must find a meaning out of all this. I have to find a way to make this mean something other than grief, sadness and misery. I have to be here for the other kids and my two awesome grandsons.  I pray God is taking care of Alex and she is happy and not worrying about us. I have such a hard time writing anymore. I feel I need to write, but don’t feel comfortable exposing my stuff on my Facebook anymore.  Not because of anyone, but I just feel like people look at me with pity. I don’t want pity..I want understanding and support, but not pity.  It is so surprising to find out who is really able to do that. Not many people can hang in there with this kind of situation. I get mad because of this. I am who I am, a broken hearted mom, who lost the most beautiful daughter anyone could ever dream of having. I had to give her back far sooner than I thought possible. Image

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