June 22, 2012

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Life is marching forward without Alex, or so it seems. I have her love and memories with me as I continue to get up each day to face what may come, which is always full of unpredictable flashes of pain from the reality that she is really gone. I listen to music in my car, which really triggers memories of her. The memories are a blessing, but I have to say, they also bring a certain amount of sadness with them. I still experience shock when I snap back into the realization of what has happened to her. I see a lot of youth that are not making very good choices in their lives, and I wonder, why Alex? Not that I would ever wish an early or tragic death on anyone. I just wish it wouldn’t have been Alexandra. To realize that life is not a sure thing, and that “random” bad things do happen to good people. It isn’t something I can explain by saying that “God has plan”..I don’t buy that concept anymore.. not when it comes to rationalizing tragedy.  I am still re-establishing trust and understanding of God. Whether I intellectually recognize that Although, He did not cause Alex’s accident or death,  the distrust I have toward Him is still there. This loss has left a big hole in  my life after  relying on  God for the last 21 years. I have Hope that this is just part of the process,  and I am redefining my spiritual beliefs with how this all fits in my life. To think that I will just be lost for the rest of my life is awful. For whatever reason, God has created me as a survivor..I have always had a type of strength that I am grateful for. I just wish it wasn’t necessary to always be so strong. To  relax and not worry about what is around the corner would be nice.  Maybe most people feel this way. I know everyone has things to overcome and come to terms with in life. That is part of the human condition. We are all works in progress until we die. I don’t know if the purpose of life on Earth is training to develop into higher spiritual beings, but it sure isn’t easy. It would be nice to believe that it has a purpose, other than just to struggle. I know some people have very strong religious convictions..I just don’t buy into the idea that it is all so black and white. The saying, “Spirituality is for people who been to Hell, and Religion is for people who afraid of going to Hell”…I think there is some truth to this. People have to find their own truths in life, and I am not in a position to shove any of my beliefs down someones’ throat. I am just trying to figure it out, which is how I have always been. I may never achieve this, but it keeps me going to seek my truth and understanding of life. Alex did not get a chance to grow into her own beliefs and understanding spiritually. I so looked forward to watching her bloom into the woman I know she would have grown to be. I will miss her babies, her wedding, her college graduation, etc. When the realization of this hits, which it does on a regular basis, I really feel she got ripped off. I watch what her friends are experiencing right now, and it isn’t fair! She should have gotten to enjoy these times as well. She worked hard for this. Self pity? Pity for her? Maybe..but, it is part of the process to feel angry and jealous of what could have been for her. I think many people believe that this isn’t healthy, but a person cannot choose which part of the process they want and discard the rest. It is all important to walk through. I only dealt with anger and self- pity when my mom died. I ended up drinking and doing other self-destructive behaviors to deal with my unresolved grief. My grief was waiting patiently until I was ready to deal with it. There is no way around it! Recovery in a 12 Step program has enabled me to grow spiritually and somehow prepare me to survive this loss. I hate that…but, maybe it is true.

More later…

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11 thoughts on “June 22, 2012

  1. fotomama86

    Thank you so very much as always, for sharing your heart and your HONEST feelings…you are sooo feeling and processing and I am sooo grateful for that! The sharp pains when the realization hits that she’s really gone…I hope you know that I TOTALLY get it…it is weird how and when they happen but I am sure that it is all part of this larger process. I say GOOD FOR YOU for not being able to be okay with God right now Nina…that honestly will keep you moving forward. You are my hero ❤ {{{{{{{{{{bighugz}}}}}}}}}}

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    • ninaemalcomb

      Thank you Lisa. I appreciate you saying it is okay to not be okay with God right now. Hero?? That is quite a compliment. If only I had superhero powers! Thank you.

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      • fotomama86

        I get that! You do have superhero powers…just not the kind you want right now! Yes Nina, you continue to be my hero! Thank you!

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  2. Karen

    What a journey for you to travel. It is so unfair to Alex, and to you! I don’t get it. I can only hope that my ideas of what comes after this life are close to reality, and there will be peace and an understanding of everything that’s happened in this crazy life. In the meantime, I’m here for you.

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    • ninaemalcomb

      Thank you Karen. I am hoping this will make more sense some day..maybe after I die, it will be made clear. I appreciate the support you give me while I trudge this path.

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  3. sheri

    Nina, you are such a strong person. I have always admired you for your honesty and fearlessness to speak what’s on your mind. I think that putting your feelings into words for others to read is a testiment to just how healing it can be for others facing sadness and loss to journal what they feel too. I pray every night that you find peace in the beautifull memories of Alex, and that your heart be filled with all the love that comes from all of us who know you, and have been helped by your kindness. Your words give me the courage to face life head on…I have learned so much just watching your courage.

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  4. I wish there had been another reason for us to be blogging than the loss of our children, but I am thankful that you stopped by my blog and I got a chance to meet you through yours. There is no recovery from this grief, but all the things I’ve learned in 12 step recovery help me walk through this time. Hugs to you from south Texas.

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  5. Jeanné

    Hi Nina, I think much like you, about spirituality, religion, grief…lots of questions & very few definitive answers. I have, for the most part, stopped asking “why?”, because no real answers ever come. I do ask myself, and God, what am I to do with NOW, today, the relationships right in front of me? The pain of loss never ever goes away. The love, though, is very real, has energy & motion, is creative & sustaining. I carry both the pain & the love all the time & try–not so well sometimes–to love better. Paying attention to moments, people, the gift of this day. So, even though we can’t see Alex, or others who have passed on that we love, the truth & light of their love never, ever,ever dies. That is so real to me & keeps me going. The reality of missing someone, the pain is physically wrenching & awful & often debilitating, can be so overwhelming. It’s very hard to see that life just keeps marching on. Pisses me off, actually. Strong waves of anger & disgust that life can possibly go on. How can that be??!! At some point though i have kept choosing life, and love, and keep on being engaged & involved in daily life. Every day & person in my life is a gift, which can be taken away in the blink of an eye. Nina, i think that every single way that you have chosen to walk through this horrible time has been courageous & honest & true to your love for your family, and especially to Alex.. This has been a hard week for me, as our friend’s son was buried, another friend of mine in Kings Valley also died in a car accident…wonderful people, beautiful examples for all of us, just like Alex was…many people in pain, asking all the hard questions that have no answers . Life & death just keep happening– my consolation is in experiencing God’s love through relationships in my life, keeping in the stream of that love, knowing that that love doesn’t ever die, but keeps on growing & changing , as i keep choosing life, in all kinds of little & big ways. it’s hardly ever easy, and finding safe places to rest & be thankful has become increasingly important to me. Waves of anger, agony, horrible emptiness, unanswerable questions—-it’s all just part of life & loving…honor every part of it, without judgement, and try to find rest & gratitude along the way…you are amazing. (thanks for putting up with all those words i just wrote…)

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    • ninaemalcomb

      It is so sad to see that tragic things keep happening around us. I feel such empathy for the families who have lost loved ones. I hope that they find a way to cope with their grief, which is so complex, full of different phase and doesn’t seem to be a linear process. Guilt and regret seem to one of the most difficult aspects of this that are hard to reconcile with. The young man who was driving the car when his mom was killed has a heavy burden to carry throughout the rest of his life. I wish I could do something to help, but know there isn’t anything to say to him that will make his pain and guilt go away.
      I am glad that you are choosing to stay engaged in your relationships with people you care about. Everyone has such a different way of handling their journey through this process. It is difficult to watch at times. It seems to go one of two ways..survivors of this type of loss either support each other or disengage completely, offering no support. I wish I could choose who I get this from, but I am learning that I will not get what I need from the other person who is grieving at the same level that I am. It hurts me, but I cannot allow myself to take it personally. Anger toward this person is my first inclination, but I don’t have the energy to stay there. I have to use the energy that I do have to try to show up for the other kids, which is difficult to do at times. I appreciate the experience that you have with loss and grief. I know this hasn’t been easy for you and the girls. It has been such a confusing time with how to do this together.

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      • Jeanné

        My heart just keeps going out to you. yes, none of this journey is linear, and yes, very confusing at times. LIfe requires of us much courage & connections with others has been very important to me. Thank you for your posts.

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