June 18, 2012 Facebook or blog?

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I really have a huge need to know that Alex is being taken care of up in Heaven, and that it is a real place, and not just something we have all made up to make ourselves feel better. I have been writing most of my thoughts and feelings on Facebook, but I think it is time that I make the switch to my Blog, which may be more appropriate.  The worst feeling in the world is to be judged while grieving. We all grieve differently, and I am very open and need to process my experience through writing. Not everyone is comfortable with this, so here I am.  Not a lot of people comment or read my blog,  so I have been hesitant to make the switch. I have gotten tremendous support from my FB friends from their comments. I have written since the accident to update people with Alex’s progress in the hospital. Since her death, I have written as a way to process my grief. Some people have had some concern that I am dwelling on the past and not moving forward. My immediate reaction was to get mad. Now I understand that they are just concerned.

Following Alex’s graduation, I became engulfed in sadness and grief. I wasn’t sure I was going to handle this process. Fortunately, the intensity has passed, but I know it will come again periodically. There is no fast forward button for grieving. I sometimes wonder if I am afraid to let go of this at all because it is a connection to  Alex. I love her so much and my heart is broken. I would never want her to think I have forgotten her. I have read a lot of material on other parents’ experiences with losing their children, and I sure have a lot in common with them.

I am hesitant to make any trips, as it doesn’t seem fair to go without Alex. I know this is typical of a grieving parent, especially early in the process. It has been four and half months since she died, but six and half since I had a two way conversation with her or saw her laugh. She was the child who every parent would dream of having. I miss her so much.

More later…

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7 thoughts on “June 18, 2012 Facebook or blog?

  1. Kelly Lueck

    Nina,
    You express yourself anyway helps you get through this horrible time in your life. I have toldd you since the begining of all of this if you need to talk I will be there. If you keep things bottled up inside you do yourself nor your kids any good. They need to know it’s okay to be mad, sad, whatever they are feeeling, if you hide those feelings so will they. You’re a wonderful mother and Alex, Landria, Hope and Eli know that. You are a good person and those who know you…..know that as well.

    Love always,
    Kelly Lueck

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  2. Lyn Jenks

    I agree that you need to be able to express yourself in a way that helps you to process and grieve. It also needs to feel safe and it sounds like Facebook has not felt safe to you. Grieving is so personal and individual– I know a bit about what it feels like to feel like your guts are falling out on the floor and you’ll never stop aching — but I know it’s nothing like what you are going through. I wish I could help in some way — that there was a way to ease some of your pain. You stay in my prayers, along with all of your children (Alex, too). I don’t think that we “get over” deep grief, really, but rather need to somehow integrate it into who we are.

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    • ninaemalcomb

      Thank you Lyn. I appreciate the experience you share with me. “..feeling like guts are falling out on the floor…” Yes, that is an accurate description. I don’t always know how to describe what this feels like.
      Facebook has been great, but I think it is time to make the switch. People want to move on and not be reminded of sadness and loss. I need to continue on my journey, with or without people who have or haven’t supported me. I know that God puts people in my path at different times, and at times, they are not the people I would have ever dreamed of.
      I hope life is going well for you and all your family. I sure appreciated seeing all of you at Alex’s service. I was so overwhelmed and it is still a fog, but I do remember coming over to ask you guys if you wanted to sit with us. I just wanted you to know that I recognized you as part of my family.

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  3. Michelle Ham

    Nina, I have always loved reading your posts from day one of this horrible ordeal. You have given people the insight of live without a dear child on this earth. Your words piercing the heart of anyone that has ever taken for granted their own children and the time they may or may not get to share with them. I know for me your words you have wrote has made me look at my girls and my love for them in a different way. I know I could barely live without either of them in my life as most any parent feel this same way. You are dealing with the grieve and are processing your pain in way of words…words that people can read if they wish or pass over if they choose. I cling to your words and you post with a heart full of pain and sorrow for you, Rob and your whole family. I could never even start to understand how anyone…ANYONE could or would ever judge someone for the pain in their heart for the loss you are dealing with. A heart was meant to be loved, give love and feel love, not to be ripped from your body as your beautiful young Alex left our world. If anyone with a heart can’t see this or can’t feel the compassion to give you all the love and support needed at this time….and days, months, and years from now….then pray for an understanding to come to them someday. I know your need to write all your thoughts and feeling down and I for one, have learned, hurt and prayed with all my heart for you. No need to feel guilty or badly for expressing your hearts pain. Like I said….If people wish to read it…then do, it not….skip and go onto. With all the words, sorrow, prayers, tears and moments of pain that unless you’ve been there, could not understand, the sadness and hurt that I have read has made me appreciate every single day and every single moment with my own girls. I would never have dreamed that one of my dearest friends would have to endure this pain and loss. I know you are strong and I know that with everyday, you will see a reason to get up, get into the shower, get dressed, put your make up on, dry your hair, drink your coffee and head to work. These days will turn into weeks and then months but with each day you do all those things to start off your day, you’ll always wake up with Alex on your mind and in your heart. She will see you get up and do your routine day after day, being proud of you for making another day. She will walk with you and lay beside you as each day comes and goes, knowing always that you are and always will be here mommy that loves her. Her sprit will forever be with you Nina, even if you do take a trip, or go for a walk on the beach. She is there everywhere. I pray with my whole heart that you know how much you are loved by us all and that you have friends that are here always for you. I love you and wish that no person would ever have to feel the pain of loosing a child. I just pray for everyone of them, every night! I love you Nina and I am always here for you in whatever way you need me to be! I will miss your FB post, but…I will read them here!!!! I hope you will continue to write your words of love for Alex for all to read!! I have found myself reading your posts to get a better view into Alex’s life. Your love for her and your other children goes without saying. They are all blessed to have you as their mommy, and I am blessed to have you as my friend! Good night dear friend, may your dream be filled with Alex’s hugs and kisses!

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    • ninaemalcomb

      You write so beautifully Michelle. I appreciate your loving words. It helps validate my need to write about Alex. It seems to be the only way I can express what is in my heart. I know Hope would like it if I could tell her without having to read it..I don’t always know what is in there until I start writing. Whether I write it out or not, it is all in there. When I don’t get it out, it festers and I shut down. The pain that I feel when I write is intense, but it needs to be felt and dealt with outwardly. I know what can happen if it just stays stuck inside of me. I went to my first funeral yesterday since Alex died. Our friend’s son died suddenly last week. This friend was with us when Alex died, so I felt the need to show up for him. Rob and I met there, and sat together. It was like two survivors meeting to help someone else. I hope it gave him support to see us there.

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  4. Thank you Kelly. I agree with you about the kids need to see me deal with this openly. I didn’t deal with my mom’s death very well, and it had it had some negative consequences. I wouldn’t want my other kids to experience this.

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